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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23899378">A Degree in Trauma</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hifreqblade/pseuds/hifreqblade'>hifreqblade</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Metal Gear</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, F/M, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 00:41:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>23,149</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23899378</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hifreqblade/pseuds/hifreqblade</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Raiden's civilian life is about to get a whole lot more normal.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Otacon/Solid Snake, Raiden/Rosemary (Metal Gear)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. New Perspective</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Getting readjusted to civilian life gave Raiden a new perspective. After a month of intensive therapy, relationship counseling, and living at home with his girlfriend, Raiden was beginning to make some realizations and decisions for himself. It was like Snake had told him - he was the master of his own fate, and while he was an adult, he still felt like he was a little kid in a grown man's body due to never having achieved certain milestones of life. </p><p>Did he have a driver's license? Nope. Had he ever been to a party? Not yet. And in terms of a relationship, he was beginning to feel like that benchmark wasn't worth reaching at all. But it was a feeling that he muffled and subsided, feeling guilty about it. He wanted to make Rose happy, and he knew deep down she really loved him, but she just treated him so poorly sometimes.</p><p>Movie nights with Rose were a pretty normal aspect of Raiden's new civilian life. They'd cuddle and watch something after dinner, typically having popcorn and drinks. He watched the credits of <em>King Kong</em> roll, his eyes glazed over from the boredom and the alcohol. He and Rose loved this movie, even being able to quote it to each other without much thought. It was a big comfort film to them and the reason they met and fell in love in the first place. But he'd seen it probably 10 times just this month.</p><p>Rose leaned against his chest, finishing the last of her popcorn and then glancing up, her dark eyes meeting his cold blue eyes. She smiled a bit as she did this, and Raiden did the same.</p><p>"Everything okay, Jack?" she asked, putting the bowl on the nearby coffee table. "You've barely said a word all night."</p><p>Raiden nodded. "Yeah. I'm just feeling a little out of it." He felt like a million thoughts were racing through his head, but at the same time, his mind felt so empty. This was a feeling he'd gotten used to since going AWOL - not using his brain to remember strategies and keep his cool left a lot of empty space for unimportant, petty thoughts and worries that weren't rooted in reality.</p><p>Rose sat up and turned off the DVD player, rubbing his back with her free hand. "Have you checked the mail yet?"</p><p>"Not yet." Raiden stood up and brushed a popcorn kernel from his shirt, then headed to the front door and slipped his shoes on. "You expecting something?"</p><p>"Just my bank statement," she replied. "Nothing too exciting."</p><p>Nothing too exciting, indeed. That was one way to describe Raiden's new life. Not exciting or interesting, just painfully normal and repetitive. Yet, it was a nice break from his past life and it felt nice to have a purpose and make his own goals. He was slowly working towards getting a civilian job and getting on medication for his depression. It wasn't much yet, but it was a start to a newer, hopefully happier life, far from the military.</p><p>Raiden opened the mailbox and was greeted by a stack of envelopes addressed to his apartment. Most of them were junk mail, asking the newly moved-in couple to sign up for sketchy credit cards or coupons for stuff they never even bought. He flipped past Rose's bank statement, as expected, but another letter addressed to him caught his eye. Inquisitively, he stuck the other envelopes into the still-open mailbox to get a closer look at the letter addressed to him.</p><p>
  <em>Jack Brannigan. </em>
</p><p>He froze. When was the last time anyone used his legal name? Hell, did anyone even <em>know </em>his legal name besides Rose?</p><p>He felt his heart beginning to race as he glanced over at the return information, which was vague but told him all he needed to know.</p><p>
  <em>United States Military.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. On Behalf of the Patriots...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Notes for continuity purposes so that you guys know what's going on here:<br/>Raiden and Rose are both 23, this takes place a month after the Big Shell incident in 2009. Raiden has gone AWOL and has decided to disassociate himself from the military altogether, instead choosing to live a normal life.<br/>Emma is 19 and she is staying with Snake and Otacon, who have been in a relationship since the days of Philanthropy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Raiden grabbed the rest of the mail and closed the mailbox, hands trembling a bit due to the unknown, mysterious nature of this letter. His mind raced with options. Was it a draft sheet? An official statement about something or other? He knew he shouldn't be worried since he officially left the military, but just the thought of them crawling back to him made him feel pretty sick.</p><p>He stepped inside with the mail, silently handing Rose her bank statement and taking a seat on the couch. He ripped into the envelope, nervous yet eager to see what was inside.</p><p>Rose leaned over next to him, peering over his shoulder. "The military? Why would they be trying to get in touch with you?" She squeezed his shoulder gently.</p><p>"I don't know. That's what I'm trying to figure out," Raiden mumbled, finally freeing the letter and unfolding its creased edges. The two read it together.</p><p>
  <em> Jack Brannigan, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> On behalf of the Patriots and the Big Shell Incident, the United States military would like to express their gratitude for your work by extending a full ride scholarship to any state college of your choosing. This scholarship will cover book fees, room and board, and a comprehensive meal plan, as well as any additional fees for the next four years. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Thank you again for your service. </em>
</p><p>"That's it?" Rose asked.</p><p>Raiden shrugged, feeling his heartbeat go back to a normal human rate. "I guess so. Pretty anticlimactic."</p><p>Rose smirked a bit, but had a perplexed look on her face. "So... they want to send you to college? Won't that be a little weird for you?"</p><p>"What would make that weird?"</p><p>Rose thought for a moment, then came up short. "I'm not sure..."</p><p>"Well, I think it might be nice to do something normal that I missed out on," Raiden said, suddenly feeling a rush of adrenaline he hadn't anticipated. "And since they're paying for it, all I've gotta do is show up."</p><p>He was already planning this new life all out in his head just minutes after reading it. He would live in a dorm - just him, though - on the campus of a luxurious state college with a beautiful view. He wasn't sure what he was going to major in, but he knew he wanted to help people and make the world a little kinder. He looked up to people like Snake and Otacon, who were using their expertise and their knowledge to make the world a better place. He'd maybe make some friends, go to some college parties, and finally catch up on those missing years. And the best part? He would be living on his own, making his own rules and doing what he felt was right, with nobody to control him or tell him otherwise. Everything about this sounded so perfect.</p><p>Rose leaned over to give her boyfriend a kiss on the cheek. "I'll support you no matter what. I just don't want this to be more trouble than it's worth, you know? You've been through a lot more than other guys your age, and well, other college students in general. I don't want them to treat you weirdly just because you're gonna be a 23-year-old college freshman."</p><p>"There have also been 10-year-old college freshmen, Rose," Raiden replied, still fantasizing about his new future as he excitedly talked with his hands. "It goes both ways. Think about how many friends I'll make though because I can legally buy them alcohol, though."</p><p>Rose smiled, knowing he was joking. "You do raise a good argument. I just want you to do what's best for you."</p><p>"Thank you, sweetie." He leaned over and kissed her, running a hand through her long brown hair. "I'm gonna go research colleges and then head to bed."</p><p>"That sounds good," she replied, following him down the hall into her bedroom. They exchanged one last kiss before parting ways down the hall.</p><hr/><p>Despite having been in a relationship for awhile, Raiden and Rose slept in different rooms. It was something that caused a lot of strife early on, but as she grew to understand his trauma, she understood why he preferred his own bed. Sleeping next to her worried him too much, what with his frequent night terrors and just difficulties falling asleep in general. He didn't want to accidentally hurt her or keep her awake unintentionally.</p><p>Granted, the night terrors were less frequent as he was now attending therapy, taking sleep medication, and not on the front lines anymore, but it was still something that concerned both of them because they weren't gone for good quite yet. He was sleeping a lot better than he ever had and actually felt pretty well-rested, which was something he wasn't sure if he'd ever been.</p><p>His room wasn't nearly as exciting and fun as hers. While she had painted her walls a soft beige and had photos of her and Raiden up, his walls were just pure white and barren. His room had a desk, a chair, and a bed. For whatever reason, his lack of decoration really freaked Rose out. He didn't think much of it at all since he really only used his room for sleeping, but lately he'd felt the desire to have his own space to be alone in the apartment sometimes. So he decorated a little bit, hanging a few photos of Rose near his bed. It wasn't much, but it got her to shut up about how "depressing" his bland room was.</p><p>Since returning to civilian life, Raiden had taken the opportunity to fix up the place a bit. In addition to the photos, he had a small clothing rack where his new clothes and shoes sat, and he had even invested in a mirror, which was propped up against the wall. He dressed pretty plainly now, but it was a nice change from the skin-tight skull suit he was all too familiar with.</p><p>Raiden pulled out his laptop and began researching colleges in the state. The world was his oyster in terms of where he could go since the military was going to cover every penny, but he wanted to make an educated decision and really make the best of it. Besides, he wasn't even sure what he wanted to major in, so that required a bit of research, too.</p><p>There was so much to learn at college. Lists of available majors made his head spin. All he knew was that he wanted to help people, but where would he begin with that? What would he have to begin with?</p><p>He read it all on every website he pulled up - student testimonials, graduation statistics, general information about what kinds of food the cafeterias served and what restaurants were located off-campus... It was like an information overload to him. He wasn't sure why he thought picking a college would be an easy task.</p><p>Raiden felt stupid for having trouble figuring this out. He had held people at gunpoint, infiltrated bases, and used missile launchers (among many other awful things he never wanted to do again), but <em>this </em>mundane, normal thing was what had him feeling lost and confused?</p><p><em>I'm sure I'm not the only college freshman struggling, </em>he thought, reassuring himself. It was a hard choice, after all, and when you barely knew what you were doing, it made it even harder to narrow down options. He opened a new document and began typing potential colleges and majors to research. From there, he narrowed down his list to the top 3 state colleges, 3 different majors (psychology, sociology, and American history), and pros and cons for everything. And with his list made, he closed the laptop and headed to bed, eager to show Rose what he had discovered.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hmmm guess what tomorrow is<br/>Also thank you for the positivity right off the bat! It means a lot to me, I was worried this fic would get a lot of shit for no reason but so far it's been pretty peaceful! However if there are any aspects of the story that don't flow right or aren't factually correct please let me know so I can make it perfect!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Deciding Factors</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy MGS2 Day!</p>
<p>Sorry if this is boring - I'm trying to figure out how my pacing should go. There's a lot that I want to get into but I'm still working through it. Thanks for the kudos and comments so far!! It means a lot to me!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When the morning came, Raiden rose with a newfound sense of excitement about finally going to college. He hadn't been excited about something in ages.</p>
<p>As he walked down the hall, laptop in tow, a sleepy grin spread across his face as he thought of all of his new opportunities. <em>I'd have a really cool dorm, and I'd go to a few parties, obviously, but I'd also be studious and really love what I was learning. I'll get a job off-campus, maybe at some high-end department store so I can get some nicer clothes, and...</em></p>
<p>Rose sat at the breakfast nook, still in her pajamas and her long hair tied up in a bun. She cradled a cup of steaming hot coffee as she greeted Raiden. He took a seat facing her and immediately opened the laptop, the grin on his face growing wider.</p>
<p>Rose smiled in response and confusion. "What's with the goofy smile, Jack?"</p>
<p>Raiden only smiled wider as he pulled up the information. "Oh, just thinking about all of that college stuff."</p>
<p>"I can tell you're really excited. What are you thinking so far?"</p>
<p>Raiden rotated the laptop so it faced her. He stood up from the barstool and headed to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee.</p>
<p>Rose scrolled through the notes he had taken about each respective college, their location, and their pros and cons. "Wow," she said softly. "You've narrowed it down already."</p>
<p>Raiden poured heaping spoonfuls of sugar into his coffee, which had taken a beige hue thanks to the excessive amounts of cream he used. He liked his coffee to be two parts cream and one part actual coffee. He took a seat again, drinking his coffee and positioning the laptop so they could both see it.</p>
<p>"So these are the three schools I was thinking. This first one is more of a community college, it's close to here, but they don't have any dorms available," he said, pointing to the first school on the list. "They don't have a sociology department, though, and that's one of the majors I'm considering."</p>
<p>Rose cocked an eyebrow. "Is living in a dorm an absolute necessity?"</p>
<p>"I mean, not really." Raiden let out a nervous laugh. "I mean, if they're paying for it though, why not get the full experience, right?"</p>
<p>"I guess so." She kissed him on the cheek, her coffee-flavored lips warming his cheek. "I'll miss you, though."</p>
<p>Raiden smiled. "And I'll miss you, too. It'll just be cool to live in a dorm, you know?"</p>
<p>She nodded. "I'll visit you as often as I can, then." She pointed to the next college on the list. "And what about this one?"</p>
<p>"That one seems the best," Raiden replied. "They've got support for all of my considered majors <em>and </em>a Starbucks on campus." He took a sip of his mostly-cream coffee.</p>
<p>"And dorms?"</p>
<p>Raiden nodded. "Pretty spacious ones, too. And the campus is gorgeous." He pulled up the college's website, decorated with photos of a wide, grassy campus, complete with a nearby walking trail, park, and gym, all within walking distance from the dorm building he had wanted to live in.</p>
<p>"Wow. That <em>is </em>gorgeous," Rose replied, in awe of the photos. "That seems like the best choice, then!"</p>
<p>"You really think so?" Raiden asked. He knew so. This college was the one that had spoken to him the most. The third college was just a major school that produced more sports stars than scholars. Sure, his choice school it was a bit smaller and pricier than the others, but those things meant nothing to him when it wasn't his money being spent and when he considered one of the biggest factors: he would be far away from Rose. It was an hour-and-a-half long drive that she wouldn't have the patience to make, what with her work requiring so much of her already. The issue of distance was definitely going to soften the blow when he finally decided to break up with her. So it was definitely weird to hear her cheering this college on.</p>
<p>Rose grinned. "Of course, it's ultimately up to you, but I'll be cheering you on no matter what." She finished her cup of coffee and put her now-warm hands on top of his. "You're gonna be amazing no matter where you go."</p>
<p>Raiden smiled, feeling warm but also feeling guilty. He looked down, his eyes getting lost in the marbled pattern of the breakfast nook. Rose could be so sweet to him sometimes, but when she wasn't being sweet and cheering him on, she was invading his privacy, accusing him of things he'd never in a million years do, and ultimately keeping him away from living his best life. It sucked, but he hoped that she would end up with someone who could handle her. He loved her - that was why he was going to succeed and not keep holding her back and causing her trouble. Relationship counseling and therapy had helped him come to grips with that fact. He just wasn't ready to break the news quite yet.</p>
<p>"I love you, Rose," was all he managed to say, eyes locked onto the white and gray marble.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Being a more unconventional student like Raiden meant that he needed to make a lot of appointments so that his first year was smooth sailing. First, he had to make an appointment with a financial advisor to discuss this whole "free ride" thing, or whatever it was called. Then, he needed to send emails to make visits to the campus so he could see it all for himself. Finally, he had to actually <em>write </em>an application and get a letter of recommendation from somebody he knew. He wasn't used to doing things for himself - he was used to having the orders for everything already taken care of by someone more responsible. Why was adult life so hard?</p>
<p>With his first two phone calls taken care of painlessly and his application question drafted, his next phone call would involve a bit more integrity. He was planning on calling someone he knew from the military, but the more he thought about who he could call, the fewer names he came up with. Finally, he went through his cell phone contacts, trying to figure out who would be the best bet.</p>
<p>Raiden squinted, trying to remember who half of these people even were and how he got their numbers. He finally stopped at one name that looked familiar, yet unfamiliar all the same.</p>
<p>
  <em>Dave.</em>
</p>
<p>He scratched his head in frustration. Who the hell was Dave? What kind of a name was that? Everybody had code names, sure, but only a few people felt that they were close enough to share real names with each other. Not to mention the incident was still a blur to him - reality and virtual reality melded into one and still confused him, and a heaping spoonful of trauma was the cherry on top. He still didn't know who had lived and who had died that day, so a name like this really caught him off guard, especially if it was the name of someone who was dead.</p>
<p>Was Dave someone he fought that day, some villain wielding a gun or a knife or a set of rollerblades? Was he an ally or a spy from the other side? How did his number even get in Raiden's phone, anyway?</p>
<p>Raiden just wanted to know, so he called this mysterious Dave and leaned back in his bed, eagerly awaiting an answer. Whoever this Dave was, Raiden had a feeling that they had been close.</p>
<p>After two rings, this mysterious man named Dave answered. "Who is this?" a gruff voice said, not even bothering to say hello.</p>
<p>Raiden nearly dropped the phone in awe.</p>
<p><em>"Snake?!"</em> Raiden asked, almost yelling from excitement.</p>
<p>The man on the other end groaned. "That's not... what I asked, kid," he replied. Damn, this voice was gravelly. Raiden could smell the cigarettes on this guy's breath from here.</p>
<p>"No, no, I'm sorry. This is Jack Br - uh, Raiden. I was just trying to figure out who you were and why you were in my phone," Raiden sputtered quickly.</p>
<p>"Holy shit," Snake said softly, realizing who he was talking to and immediately adjusting his tone to something more polite. "Are you okay?"</p>
<p>"I mean, I've been worse, I guess?" Raiden replied. "How about you?"</p>
<p>"Heh. Funny you should ask," Snake said. "I've actually been doing great. Hal and I just got a place together."</p>
<p>Raiden grinned, the memories of Hal rushing back to him.</p>
<p>Hal was a great guy. He was definitely the brains of the operation, but he was so obviously head-over-heels in love with Snake. It was pretty cute, but it also made Raiden feel a bit awkward since all he got from his actual significant other was bitchiness and mood swings. When nobody was around, Hal would go on and on ad nauseam to Raiden about how amazing Snake was. Raiden was overjoyed that they had ended up together - they were a perfect match and almost never seen without each other.</p>
<p>"And how's Hal doing?" Raiden asked. "Are things, you know, okay with him and the whole sister thing?"</p>
<p>Raiden immediately wished he could've bit his tongue. For lack of a better word, the situation with Hal's sister was a rough patch that Raiden wanted to forget about. Yet, in all of the trauma of his last mission, this was definitely one of the more pivotal stressors in his mind. On Big Shell, Raiden had escorted her through the flooding base, all just to watch her get killed. Hal was distraught when he found her body - he had just reunited with her after years of estrangement, and to see her get taken away from him again, leaving nothing but her blood on his clothes, was probably enough to ruin his life. Sometimes Raiden awoke in a cold sweat, panicking over what he could've done better to save her.</p>
<p>"Hal's doing great, too," Snake replied without missing a beat. He was unusually chipper. "Somehow he's found room for all of his Japanese cartoon memorabilia in our tiny apartment."</p>
<p>Raiden gulped. "That's aweso -"</p>
<p>"And as for the sister thing, Emma's living here now and she and Hal have been perfectly fine, unless there's something I don't know?"</p>
<p><em>Right. </em>Her death must have been part of the simulation. Was Raiden ever going to be able to separate his dual realities? "Right. I just knew things were pretty awkward with them, you know, being estranged for so long," he finally replied.</p>
<p>"Sounds about right for two siblings," Snake replied. "The awkward part, I mean. Believe me, I know."</p>
<p>Raiden laughed a bit at that. Snake's family was definitely a force to be reckoned with.</p>
<p>"So besides catching up, how about you?" Snake asked.</p>
<p>"I've been doing great! Rose and I are living together again, and it's really nice."</p>
<p>"Surprised you guys are still together," Snake replied. "You seemed to have a lot of issues before."</p>
<p>"Oh, we're doing a lot better lately," Raiden lied through his teeth. "I actually had a favor to ask of you."</p>
<p>"Okay, shoot."</p>
<p>"I had a feeling we knew each other, and I was right, so... could you write me a letter of recommendation to this college I'm applying to?"</p>
<p>Snake was silent for a moment, before letting out a long exhale. "Kid, I wouldn't know where to even start with that."</p>
<p>"Come on. It'll be easy," Raiden persuaded. "You basically just have to tell them how cool I am."</p>
<p>"You're not cool."</p>
<p>Raiden rolled his eyes. "I'm serious. It's a letter that lets them know that I'm responsible and mature."</p>
<p>"Are you those things, either?" Snake asked, obviously having too much fun messing with Raiden. "I'm kidding. I know you're both of those things. You're pretty capable and you keep your cool really well under pressure. And, uh, you're considerate of others. I never saw you kill a single enemy soldier, even though you were terrible at infiltrating and got caught every time."</p>
<p>"Can you write that stuff down and make it a letter, then? Minus the enemy soldier parts?" Raiden asked, maybe a bit too aggressively. "Sorry, not trying to get snippy with you. But this is really important to me."</p>
<p>"Yeah. I'll have Hal teach me how to email it to you," Snake replied. "Text me your email address later, and I can take care of it."</p>
<p>Raiden smiled again. "Thanks, Snake. You're the best."</p>
<p>"Anytime, kid. Stay safe out there, alright?"</p>
<p>"Of course." Raiden hung up and texted Snake the email address.</p>
<p>He was one step closer to being a real-life college student. Everything was falling perfectly into place, and he couldn't be happier.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. A Period of Personal Growth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sound of the printer whirring and spitting out Snake's recommendation letter meant that the easy parts of Raiden's college prep were already done. He pulled the letter from the printer, having read the email a million times. He was so happy to finally be holding it, though - these words could make or break his acceptance, and having read over them on a piece of paper made him feel so special. Sure, he and Snake had butted heads throughout the mission so many times, and Snake could be aggressive, but deep down he really cared for Raiden and wanted him to succeed in his future endeavors.</p><p>Before folding up the letter, Raiden read over it one last time, a huge grin on his face, so happy to read such kind words again.</p><p>
  <em>I met Jack through the military, where his aptitude and creative thinking really shone through. He thought of problem-solving strategies that I, a seasoned veteran, hadn't even considered. His integrity and his sharp wit make him perfect for a subject like psychology, which he aspires to major in. Jack Brannigan is a very responsible and mature young man, especially when it comes to considering the feelings and ideas of others. He is always there to lend a helping hand and inspire others to keep going. He keeps an open mind to new people and new situations, which is beneficial for all of us. In short, the world needs more people like Jack Brannigan, more compassionate and capable people to make the world a little bit kinder. Jack would bring so much to your school in terms of his academic capabilities and creative endeavors.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>-David Emmerich</em>
</p><p>Raiden scoffed a bit at the mention of "academic capabilities", but every other aspect of the letter rang true, and it made him happy knowing Snake was so proud of him. He had gotten the equivalent of a GED so that he could re-enter the military as an adult, but academics as a whole were definitely not at the front of his mind, especially after so many years and so much other stuff taking precedence in his mind. While studying up on his dream school, he realized he would have to retake some basic core classes, but he was okay with that. It wouldn't be the end of the world.</p><p>He folded Snake's letter and inserted it into an envelope. Then he took a seat on the couch with his laptop, ready to begin his application essay.</p><p>"Let's see here," he muttered to nobody in particular, beginning a word document for his essay question. Rose was at work, so he had the entire apartment to himself for most of the day, and he was glad. He wanted to spend most of the day alone, basking in the excitement of his leap into the unknown.</p><p>Now for the hard part. He started the document by copying the question word for word. </p><p>
  <em>Reflect on a time when you questioned or challenged a belief or idea. What prompted your thinking? What was the outcome?</em>
</p><p>Then he stared at the document. The document stared back.</p><p>Where could he begin with this? </p><p>He laid down on the couch, running a finger through his bleached-blonde hair. When did he ever question or challenge anything in his life? His whole life was following instructions without thinking about any opposition. Did he ever hate what he was doing? Yes, many times. But he never questioned it because he was taught to just go along with everything or there would be consequences.</p><p>Raiden had been someone else's puppet his entire life, and reflecting on that made him feel ashamed. He wanted to be a free thinker, but using his mind to think for himself felt... dangerous. College was the place to think freely and form his own opinions, yet it made him feel like he was committing some horrible atrocity. Even deciding what to eat for breakfast sometimes gave him pangs of guilt that he wasn't anticipating. Having everything spoonfed to him his entire life was like learning to ride a bike: the training wheels were going to be gone someday, and whether he crashed and burned or pedaled forward was up to him.</p><p>He sat back up and began typing some intro. <em>When I was in the military...</em></p><p>He laid back down and let out a deep sigh, his mind racing to come up with viable ways to finish that sentence. It didn't help that he had never been taught how to even write an essay.</p><p>
  <em>I was routinely traumatized and now cannot differentiate reality from virtual reality. Loud noises make me want to curl up into a ball and cry. My night terrors came back.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I reconnected with my adoptive father and killed him. He told me about all of the fucked up things he did to me as a kid and I killed him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I realized that nobody had my back and nobody cared, even when I really needed it. Except maybe Snake and Otacon - but it took them forever to act like they cared about me.</em>
</p><p>He wanted to bash his head in, a sudden wave of sadness overtaking him. His mind wasn't good for much when it came to coming up with ideas. And then when it came to articulating those ideas into an essay answer, he was lost. He reassured himself that he wasn't the only college freshman stressing over an essay question, but he was sure other college freshmen hadn't faced half the shit he'd endured.</p><p>Maybe this essay question could wait just a bit longer. He stood up and walked to the kitchen, feeling like he'd been sprawled across that couch thinking bad thoughts forever.</p><p>And then, just as Raiden was getting a bottle of water from the fridge, inspiration struck. It was as if God himself was smiling down on Raiden, wishing him success. He ran back to the living room to type out his thoughts before they left his head.</p><p><em>When I was in the military, I never got the opportunities to challenge or question what was expected of me,</em> he wrote, fingers flying over the keys.<em> Even if what we had to do wasn't what I found morally right, the consequences for not following orders were grave and anxiety-inducing.</em></p><p>That was enough work for the rest of the day. He saved the document and closed his laptop.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this chapter isn't as good and it took too long to write for how non-eventful it is I apologize</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Moving In</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Time seemed to fly after his essay and letter were both submitted and given the okay. Of course, Raiden had been accepted to this dream school, and he felt the giddiness of a little kid on their first day of kindergarten as he and Rose packed for his dorm room. It didn't take much time at all to empty his belongings from his room, but Rose preferred to get things done as soon as possible so she wouldn't feel rushed to help him out days before the move-in date.</p><p>"I've said it a bunch this week, but I'm super proud of you, Jack," Rose said, folding one of his sweaters and putting it in a storage bin. "This is a great opportunity for you."</p><p>Raiden grinned. "Thank you again." He kissed her on the cheek, then stared down into the bin. "Is this one just for clothes?"</p><p>"That's what I'm thinking. You don't have that many clothes, so whatever else will fit can go on top," she replied with a smile. Rose was always the more organized one - not out of Raiden's negligence but just out of her love of keeping things tidy. He respected it, but she never asked him for help, even if she was in over her head.</p><p>He looked down at the pair of jeans he'd been struggling to fold, hands not knowing where to go. As if Rose read his mind, she grabbed the jeans and folded them neatly, the back pocket on top.</p><p>"Nobody taught you how to fold clothes in the military?" she asked with a playful smirk, putting the jeans into the bin.</p><p>Raiden thought for a moment, trying to remember the unimportant tasks he had to do while in boot camp. "Probably. But clearly I don't remember, huh?"</p><p>"I worry about you sometimes," Rose muttered, grabbing the other pairs of jeans that sat on the floor near him.</p><p>Was she joking? He couldn't tell anymore. She said stuff like this all the time, and even if her intent was lighthearted, it only served to reinforce what little she actually saw in him. Raiden never brought it up during couples counseling, but mentioned it maybe once to his therapist, who encouraged him to speak up the next time it happened.</p><p>He didn't dare say anything to her, though, instead focusing his attention on the indentations in the carpet from where his clothing rack once stood. Saying something to her about how she talked to him just opened up the floodgates for a fight, and fighting always made him feel like the asshole. So he kept his mouth shut, counting down the days until he'd be on his own.</p><p><em>Only three more days until I get to move in. </em>The thought kept him motivated. He used it as a shield to endure whatever mental torture Rose would unleash on him before she essentially let him finally be an adult.</p><hr/><p>Move-in day had finally arrived, and Raiden was beyond overjoyed to get out and get started on his own. He and Rose hadn't found the time to visit the campus beforehand, so this was his first time seeing it all in person.</p><p>The long drive opened up opportunities for so many things. Raiden could only hope it would be as painless as possible - they'd maybe share a few laughs and listen to music together like they'd done before. He'd even bite his tongue the whole time to prevent any kind of argument from breaking out. All he knew was that it better be fast and it better be painless so he can get settled and finally be alone.</p><p>"Jack, can we talk about something on the way there?" Rose asked, loading the last box into her car.</p><p>Raiden rolled his eyes, but stopped himself midway through. "Of course."</p><p>They both got in the car. Rose turned the key in the ignition and backed out of the driveway.</p><p>"I'm not sure how to really say this," she began, turning the radio down just a bit so she could speak at a normal volume. "I'm worried about us."</p><p>Raiden stifled a laugh. He wasn't sure why he was laughing. Maybe it was just the irony of it all. "W-worried about us? Why, Rose?"</p><p>"It's not your fault, or mine, or anyone's," she continued. "Actually, maybe it is your fault."</p><p>Raiden cocked an eyebrow.</p><p>"You and this whole college thing has really been worrying me, but of course, you know I'm still proud of you."</p><p>"Alright, what exactly are you getting at, Rose?" Raiden asked, shifting in his seat. "I'm a bit confused."</p><p>"You know there are a lot of girls in college," Rose said flatly.</p><p>"Okay? What about them?"</p><p>Rose sighed. "Oh, nothing."</p><p>Raiden glanced down at the radio, inching over to turn it up a bit so he could hear a song he recognized.</p><p>"Girls that might be prettier than me," Rose continued. "And they might try to get with you. You're really attractive, you know."</p><p><em>Holy shit. She's really going there, huh? </em>Raiden thought, crossing one leg over the other and letting out a deep sigh before interjecting. And they were only just beginning this long car ride.</p><p>"Are you even listening?" she asked suddenly, nearly startling him out of the car seat.</p><p>"Yeah, of course," Raiden groaned. "I just don't know why this is so... sudden?"</p><p>She was silent.</p><p>"You know me, Rose. You know I'm loyal and you know that I can speak up for myself. Not every girl is, like, some evil vixen." Raiden ran a hand through his hair. "Not to mention, uh, there are a lot of men out there, too, huh?"</p><p>Rose nearly slammed on the brakes. Thankfully, they had reached a stoplight that had just changed and was probably going to stay red for awhile. "What are you talking about?"</p><p>Raiden gave her the side- eye. "You're really attractive, too."</p><p>Her knuckles were turning white from gripping the steering wheel. "You can't just throw back what I say in my face."</p><p>Raiden scoffed. "The point is, it makes no sense for you to bring this up. Especially now. I'm committed to you, and you know this." He reached for her hand, a gesture that was starting to feel unnatural to him. It felt unnatural to her, too, as she moved her hand further down the steering wheel to avoid his.</p><p>She sighed. He pulled his hand away.</p><p>"It'll be okay," he finally said. "I love you, Rose."</p><p>Every time he said it, it felt less sincere than the last. He hoped he didn't sound insincere to her.</p><p>"I love you, too," Rose replied flatly, then turned up the radio to a song they both recognized.</p><p>Raiden glanced down at his watch, then leaned the car seat back. This was gonna be a long drive.</p><hr/><p>The rest of the drive was mostly silent, thankfully. Raiden didn't recall falling asleep, but the radio playing softly and the car's rumbling must've been soothing enough to him.</p><p>Rose put her hand on his knee, lightly shaking him awake. "We're here. Let's start getting unpacked."</p><p>Raiden stood up and stretched, taking a look around the surrounding area. The trees near the parking lot were beginning to turn orange and the grass was green and fresh from the morning's rain. There was a trail leading to a nearby park within walking distance, and the buildings were even gorgeous, their brick exteriors looking welcoming and comforting. Raiden smiled, reveling in the knowledge that his first taste of freedom would only get better the sooner he moved into the dorm.</p><p>He began unloading the car with Rose. After checking into the room, they headed up to his new dorm, which was fairly spacious. A wooden desk, bed, dresser, and wardrobe stared back at him.</p><p>"Wow. It's so white," Raiden observed, staring at the cinderblock walls and plain furniture.</p><p>Rose cocked an eyebrow. "Sort of like your room back home. Well, at least it'll seem familiar." She began unloading a bin containing his clothes.</p><p>Raiden sighed at her remark, but began grabbing hangers to hang his clothes in the wardrobe. He was grateful he didn't bring a million things to college because he wanted to get settled and be alone as soon as possible.</p><p>It took maybe an hour to unpack, and while they made small talk the entire time, nothing much came up. After spreading the fitted sheet on the bed, the room was finished. Rose took another look at Raiden, her expression softening into a smile. She pulled him into a hug. Confused, he awkwardly placed his hands on her shoulders.</p><p>She pulled him from the hug and looked at him again. "You're gonna do amazing. I'm so proud of you."</p><p>Raiden smiled. "Thank you, Rose. I love you so much."</p><p>"I love you, too."</p><p>They shared a kiss. Rose pulled him closer, her hands resting on his lower back. They hadn't kissed like this in awhile, and Raiden knew he would miss it. But for now, he held on tight, embracing her.</p><p>"I'm going to head home and then go to work," Rose said, running her fingers through his long hair. "Let me know how your first day goes, Jack!"</p><p>Raiden smiled. "I will. Drive safe!"</p><p>Rose waved goodbye to him as she closed the door.</p><p>And then all was silent. All was still. Raiden slunk into the bed, for once being glad he was alone. He was more than glad, actually - he was ecstatic. This was his first taste of independence that wasn't soiled by someone else's meddling. This was a fresh start, far from the bullshit of the life he'd led before. He was going to be independent and do what made him happy.</p><p>But what made him happy right now? He glanced down at his watch. It was past when he typically had lunch, so he was getting pretty hungry. Raiden stood up and decided what would make him happy would be grabbing something to eat. He pulled his hair into a low ponytail as he began walking down the stairs and out of the building.</p><p>He pulled out the mini map of the campus that they had printed out for all of the freshmen. The cafeteria was right across the street from his dorm building, and they had a Starbucks, which is where he decided he would get his lunch. It was a bit pricey, but he felt the need to treat himself to something. Plus their frappucinos were the best.</p><p>Raiden stood in line behind a short girl with wavy brown hair, who ordered just a mocha cold brew. The back of her head and the way she styled her hair looked awfully familiar to him, but he couldn't quite put a finger on it. As she walked over to a nearby seat, he felt himself unintentionally staring, his brows furrowed as he tried to figure out who exactly she was. <em>Where do I know this girl from?</em></p><p>"Sir, are you going to order?" the barista asked, snapping Raiden out of his one-sided staring contest with this mysterious girl.</p><p>Raiden gulped. "Yeah. Sorry. Just got distracted. Let me get a grilled cheese and, um, a grande vanilla bean frappucino?"</p><p>As the barista took his name and his money, Raiden still couldn't help but look at the girl out of the corner of his eye. She was playing some game on her phone, but her laptop was open as well. He moved to stand near the counter, absentmindedly scrolling through his phone but not really doing anything of importance.</p><p>"Cold brew for Emma?" a barista called out.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Made a playlist for this fic! I tried to incorporate songs that represented Raiden, Rose, Emma, and the time period. I'm pretty proud of it, but it's definitely all over the place musically. Link: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/71fmhjSzXHz11BpcGQ9PNp?si=Z_XpRn0vQdupphfnOssedQ</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Totally Dead</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Can you tell I miss college? I just finished my sophomore year a few days ago, and I hope we can go back to campus in the fall.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Raiden looked up suddenly at the cold brew on the counter and then at the girl, who was beginning to stand up.</p><p>No way. There was no way it was her. There was no way she was here, in the flesh, at the same school he was going to. It was impossible.</p><p>"Thank you," Emma said, grabbing her drink and putting in a straw. She began walking back to where she was sitting, and all Raiden could do was continue to watch. He felt like he was dreaming. He had dreamed about her before - in nightmares about her death and about how he had fought so hard to save her. And for all of it to have never happened in the first place? Raiden felt a chill go through his body. It was like he'd seen a ghost. He knew she was still alive, but seeing her again in the flesh was such a strange experience.</p><p>"Grilled cheese and vanilla bean for Jack?" the barista called out.</p><p>Raiden looked over, grabbing his food and drink with shaking hands. "Thanks," he said softly, finding a seat nearby to sit because he felt like he was about to pass out. He glanced over at the girl again, expecting her to still be glued to her phone, but to his surprise, Emma was staring back too.</p><p>Without saying a word, she gestured for him to sit with her.</p><p>"Me?" Raiden mouthed.</p><p>Emma nodded, moving her laptop from the table and slipping it into her messenger bag.</p><p>Raiden stood up and began walking over, taking a sip of his drink as he did and wincing at its sweetness. He took a seat again, facing Emma. He couldn't believe it.</p><p>"Holy shit," he said under his breath. He felt his bottom lip quiver.</p><p>Emma smiled. "I wasn't expecting to see you here, stranger."</p><p>Her voice! Raiden wasn't used to hearing her express anything beyond genuine terror. She actually sounded like she was having a good time!</p><p>"Sorry," he said finally, letting himself smile. He glanced up at the ceiling, blinking rapidly so he wouldn't cry. "I knew you looked familiar, Emma."</p><p>She looked exactly like she had on Big Shell. Her hair was half-up, half-down, with two chopsticks holding the bun in place. She still had her red glasses. The only difference was that she wore different clothes - a pair of cut-off overalls on top of a T-shirt with a frilled collar. It was so strange, yet so comforting at the same time.</p><p>"It's all good," she replied with a smile. "It's pretty strange how we're both here, huh? I assume you're taking classes?"</p><p>Raiden nodded. "As of tomorrow, yes. I just moved in."</p><p>"That's awesome!" Emma took a sip of her cold brew.</p><p>"What about you, though? Aren't you, like, a super genius or something?" Raiden asked suddenly, remembering her track record of accomplishments. Emma was barely an adult, but she had accomplished so much in the world of technology and computers. Hell, she may have already had a degree from when she went to Oxford.</p><p>Emma cocked an eyebrow. "Yeah, you could say that." She began stirring her coffee, mesmerized by it.</p><p>"Don't you have a degree already?"</p><p>Emma nodded, but kept her eyes on her coffee. "Yeah. But I'm probably going to get another degree in something else. Not sure yet. I'm taking classes on psychology and trauma processing, though."</p><p>Raiden gasped. "Seriously? I'm taking psychology too!"</p><p>Emma pulled out her laptop and began typing rapidly, trying to pull up her schedule. "Are we both taking it at 8 am?" she asked excitedly.</p><p>"Yeah! I think we are!" Raiden replied. "That's so cool."</p><p>Emma stifled a laugh, dropping her excitement. "8 am classes are <em>not </em>cool."</p><p>"You think I'd know what school is like? I'm not the freshman with a college degree."</p><p>She playfully punched his arm. "I'm not the 24-year-old college freshman."</p><p>"<em>23,</em>" he corrected, going along with her roasts. "You're just jealous because I can legally drink."</p><p>"That's your only claim to fame?" she asked, sipping her drink. "Weak."</p><p>"Maybe so," Raiden replied, his fake-serious demeanor turning into a smile. He was so happy to see her again, alive and well and not virtual, and the fact that they were hitting it off right off the bat made him feel even better about this whole college thing. He wanted independence, but not loneliness, and Emma felt like the perfect candidate for a friend.</p><p>"So, how have things been with you and Rose?" Emma asked, unknowingly salting the wound he'd been handling.</p><p>Raiden grimaced. "Could be better. Could be worse."</p><p>"How so?"</p><p>"Accusing me of things I'd never do, making me feel like an idiot 24/7, being hypocritical..."</p><p>Emma's expression dropped. "That's... so shitty. I had no idea. I'm sorry."</p><p>"It's whatever." Raiden tore off a corner of his grilled cheese, observing it. "But hey. This college thing is a fresh start."</p><p>"Cheers to that," Emma said, lifting her drink victoriously. Raiden nodded, picking up the plastic cup and tapping it against hers.</p><p>"I don't know why, Emma," Raiden began, "but I feel like you and I are going to get along quite well over the course of these four years."</p><p>"For sure," she replied. "But bold of you to assume I'm not graduating early."</p><p>He smirked playfully. "Show-off."</p><hr/><p>The two had met up later in the evening and decided to take a walk around campus. It was a bit breezy, and the wind blew through the changing leaves of the trees. Yet, the sun was just beginning to set as they took the time to catch up with each other.</p><p>Raiden wasn't sure how to really address the whole Big Shell thing, but reconnecting with Emma confirmed that she was alive and that she even existed. To him, it felt like a big part of the healing process, but it was a can of worms he was okay with only partially opening for now.</p><p>"So, the Big Shell incident, huh?" Emma asked, practically reading his mind.</p><p>"How could I forget?" Raiden replied. "It's the only reason I'm here."</p><p>"Me too," Emma replied. "I guess they felt guilty about putting us through that. But it's nice, you know? Like, 'hey, we deeply traumatized you and ruined your life, but here's a chance to maybe contribute to society'. Pretty fucked up, but it's nice."</p><p>"Yeah, it is pretty nice," Raiden said, observing his surroundings as he said this. The campus was gorgeous - it was all turning those warm shades of auburn and orange and red. The campus was an amalgamation of buildings old and new, with statues and plaques of various historical figures and representations of the school. It really was beginning to feel like home.</p><p>"So why are you studying psychology?" Emma asked. "Genuinely curious."</p><p>"I'm not quite sure," Raiden replied. "It was calling to me, though. That opportunity to help people and maybe make the world a little bit more understanding, you know?"</p><p>"I understand exactly what you mean." Emma stared up at the setting sun. "More people should look out for the little guy."</p><p>The two took a seat under a gazebo on campus and were silent, just listening to the chatter of other students and the sound of the wind blowing through the trees.</p><p>"This is gonna sound weird," Raiden said suddenly.</p><p>Emma cocked her head. "Go for it. I'm okay with weird."</p><p>Raiden loosened his ponytail and adjusted it. "Alright. Well, Big Shell for me was a lot different than how you experienced it."</p><p>"I'll bet. I was just working there." Emma cringed, remembering how awful that had been.</p><p>"For me, it just turned into a shitshow. Nobody was telling me what to do and they expected me to know everything. I felt so left out of the loop, and then when I found out I was being used -" Raiden felt his bottom lip quiver, a sure sign that he was maybe going to cry. He glanced up at the gazebo's ceiling and let his hands fall limp.</p><p>"So many parts of it ended up being a virtual reality simulation, like what I had trained with before, but... it just felt so real." Raiden's hands trembled. "And I know we didn't get to know each other well when I escorted you, but it was just so hard watching you die."</p><p>He held his head in his hands. He wasn't sure what it was about Emma, but he somehow felt a hell of a lot more comfortable sharing this with her than he did with his therapist, who was, you know, <em>trained </em>to help people with this kind of trauma. He sounded insane. He was sure of it. How does someone bounce back from hearing that they died in someone else's virtual reality nightmare?</p><p>Emma was expressionless, hands on her knees as she sat, looking down at her shoes. "You watched me die," she finally said flatly, unsure of how to continue. "That's... heavy. I was totally dead to you."</p><p>"Maybe that's why I stared earlier. I called Sna - uh, Dave - awhile ago, and he told me you were alive and well and staying at his place, and it was just such a strange thing to hear. But to see it?" He gulped, his throat feeling dry. "Sorry. I-I know that sounds really crazy."</p><p>"Raiden, no, that doesn't sound crazy," Emma reassured. She didn't know if they were close enough friends for her to put her hand on his back, so she just sat, but glanced back up at him. "There was no way you could've known I without asking. And I'm sure it wasn't something you'd considered, having this thought that I was dead and all."</p><p>Raiden sighed. "Well, I'm glad I don't sound crazy. I totally didn't mean to ask Dave about it, either, it just slipped out. I don't know." He looked down at his hands, scarred yet soft, feeling like they didn't belong to him. "There's still so much that happened there that I'm not sure of, and simulation or not, it all just felt so real. At the end of the day, though, I was being treated like I was nothing. I was a blank slate that they could project and program the way they wanted."</p><p><em>Damn, this may as well be a full therapy session, </em>Raiden thought mockingly. <em>Is $100 an hour too steep for Emma?</em></p><p>Emma looked at Raiden, then ran a finger through her wavy bangs. </p><p>"You've never done VR, have you, Emma?" he asked.</p><p>"Can't say I have."</p><p>"The technology is getting too realistic," Raiden replied. "When I was first testing it out a few years ago, it was all green shapes and blocks and it was obviously so fake. It taught you how to fight and sneak and accomplish your goals, but I could differentiate it from reality. Now it might as well be the same as reality. Everything looks and feels and sounds so authentic. It all blends in with reality. It's way too immersive."</p><p>"But you're out of VR now," Emma reassured. "This is all real."</p><p>Raiden sighed, releasing tension from his shoulders that he didn't even know he was holding. "I'm glad this is all real."</p><p>"Me too," Emma replied. "And I'm glad I'm actually alive."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is obvious to me but in case y'all didn't know, I don't ship Raiden and Emma, I just want them to be buddies. I always had a feeling that if not for the circumstances of Big Shell, they would've been fairly close friends. I love other fan interpretations of their friendship and I figured I'd add to it! Plus Emma is a very underrated character - she's probably my favorite side character from MGS2.<br/>Also sorry this is so dialogue-heavy!! I'm just now realizing that it's primarily just them talking!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. First Day</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Long time no see!</p>
<p>My motivation to write has been zapped, but I'm excited to pick up this story again! I've got a lot planned and written already!</p>
<p>Also, is anyone here doing Artfight? I'm jetsetclassic on there and I'm on team sugar!! This is my first so I'm super excited! Enjoy the chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Waking up early was something Raiden had been all too familiar with, thanks to the military. Yet, when he rolled over and checked the digital clock by his bedside, he suddenly felt so unfamiliar with being awake before the sun was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nevertheless, he got dressed and headed out of the dorm building, keys jingling on a lanyard around his neck. He met up with Emma at a cafeteria booth, where they both grabbed breakfast and chatted before class.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm really excited to start this class," Emma told him, filling out her planner intricately. "I think it's going to be a lot of fun."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raiden yawned, glancing down at his cafeteria coffee. "I hope so."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma was no doubt a morning person. She looked well-rested and chipper. Raiden, despite his old military routine, was the opposite. His eyelids still felt heavy, and he couldn't stop yawning. He hoped the coffee would get him going, but it just tasted so… cheap. Plus, he hadn't added nearly enough sugar or cream, so it was much darker than what he preferred.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What other classes are you taking?" Emma asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raiden pulled out his schedule - just a folded-up sheet of paper he'd printed out and stuck in the pocket of his jeans. "Uh, intro to trigonometry, public speaking, and current events."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'll be in your public speaking class, too!" Emma grinned. "I'm not really looking forward to it because I hate giving speeches, but it's always nice to have class with, well, a friend."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raiden smiled. He knew they were definitely friends at this point, but hearing her confirm it verbally was just so reassuring.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I hate giving speeches, too," he replied. "Large groups… all staring at you…"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The two shuddered at the thought.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's just one semester, though," she reassured. "It'll go by super fast. Semesters typically do."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raiden took a big swig of the coffee, trying to get rid of it faster. "I hope these classes go fast. I mean, as excited as I am, I get the feeling school kinda…"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Drags on?" Emma asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma twirled a piece of loose hair around her finger. "It does, but when you really love what you're learning, it's like no time's wasted."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Alright, nerd," he replied sarcastically, getting up to take his dishes to the trash.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma followed closely, a sly grin on her face as she tried to step on the backs of his shoes.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Raiden's first day went surprisingly well. Psychology was a lot to take in - the professor started teaching on the first day! - but learning about just the fundamentals was so interesting to him. He'd never taken notes before, so he just wrote down everything on the board and then some. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Trigonometry gave him a headache, so he took a nap between that and his public speaking class, where he and Emma mock-interviewed each other in order to give introductory speeches to the class.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The professor let his students group off and do interviews around campus, so Emma and Raiden took a seat at the gazebo they'd talked at the night before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"This list wants me to ask you all this stuff, Raiden," Emma told him, pointing a green highlighter over specific questions. Date of birth. Family info. Hobbies and interests. One fun fact.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Do I need to be, y'know, honest?" Raiden asked, raising an eyebrow at the list. So ordinary yet so telling of his past.</span>
  <span> "Do you think anyone will even care or believe us?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Seeing as you're a child soldier from a foreign country and I'm a hacker who already has a degree from Oxford…" Emma shook her head. "But who said disbelief was a bad thing? It'll make things more interesting."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I say we go the extra mile, then." Raiden grinned, pulling out a notebook. "You created the Y2K bug." He winked as he wrote this, further solidifying the fact that he was joking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma scoffed. "Two can play at that game. Let's see… you, uh, your dad works at Microsoft, and he can kick my dad's ass." As she wrote this, her body shook with laughter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raiden laughed, too, imagining the absurdity. "If only."</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>The two returned back to class, having betrayed their joke interview to do a more authentic, honest one. Their grades mattered more than their fun, as unfortunate as it was to admit. They just never got into the gritty details.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After turning in their interview notes, they hung out in the classroom, making small talk before they parted ways again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Two students they'd never seen before walked up to them. By the looks of it, they were upperclassmen, perhaps preying on Raiden and Emma for their lack of a real social clique. Or maybe they were just extending their kindness, having been freshmen before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Are you two going to the party Friday night?" a girl asked. She had wavy red hair in a loose ponytail and wore a shirt with her sorority's name across the front.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Party?" Raiden asked. "I hadn't heard anything about that."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma shrugged. "Me neither."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Well, Kappa Psi Delta hosts the best parties. You two should totally go!" the girl next to the redhead interjected. She, too, wore a sorority shirt, but the letters were in a blinding pink glittery font.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"As sisters, we advise you two freshmen to not drink," the redhead added. "But as seniors who love to party…"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The two sorority girls erupted into laughter and walked away, leaving Raiden and Emma confused.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm not really someone who's super into parties," Raiden muttered, walking down the halls and out of the building where class was held. "Too many people that I don't know. Too much noise."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, me neither," Emma replied. "And I don't drink, so it's not like I'd be having fun."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Well, I see what you're saying." Raiden stopped walking for a sec. "But you know, since we've never been to a real party…"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh, God," Emma mumbled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"N-no, I'm serious. We can go just to scope things out. Then, after we've been there for a bit, we can leave, preferably with our sobriety and sanity still intact."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma sighed. "I just don't see the appeal. I never went to parties at Oxford and I'm not that into the idea-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Free food?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma's expression shifted. "Alright, you got me. I guess we're going to the frat party-"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sweet!" Raiden interjected. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"-for the free pizza. And maybe some sodas," Emma finished. "Which means we've gotta get there early. And get outta there quick."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Emma, do you realize who you're talking to?" Raiden asked, jokingly hyping himself up. "I am the master of stealth missions."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She narrowed her eyes, but there was no doubt a hint of humor behind them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Okay, maybe not," Raiden continued. "But we can do this."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He extended a fist, and she returned a fist bump as they stepped into the dorm's elevator.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. The Kappa Psi Delta Party</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Already had some chapters written, so I'll drop them here! Enjoy!<br/>EDIT: fixed some words.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Emma had never been to a college party before. Raiden had never been to a party before. This was going to be a new experience for both of them, and while they were both excited to spend time together and get to know some of their classmates better, both of them had a pang of anxiety in the pit of their stomach.</p><p>Emma was terrified of drinking. She had heard about how people’s lives had been destroyed by it, so the willingness to even try a sip of alcohol was nonexistent to her. Besides, it was illegal for her since she wasn’t even 21 yet. She wanted to stay close to Raiden all night, just so she had a buddy who would keep her safe.</p><p>Raiden was terrified of situations that could turn dangerous. A loud party was obviously not the best place for him to go, what with his noise sensitivity issues and anxiety. Yet, a nagging feeling told him that if he stayed close to Emma, he would stay safe and be comfortable all night. Hell, he might even have fun. Maybe a few drinks would help him loosen up. But their main goal was just enter, get pizza, and leave. He kept it at the front of his mind, this new mission objective.</p><p>The two stood outside of the frat house as the sun set, at the end of a long line of partygoers waiting to enter. Loud music blasted from the house, the bass rattling the windows. The lawn was a disaster already, with empty solo cups and beer bottles mixed among streams of freshly-thrown toilet paper.</p><p>Raiden glanced down at his phone. It was only 7 pm - still pretty early by college party standards. He was told the frat house was ordering plenty of pizza for everyone, but the guests already in the house plus the ones waiting in front of him and Emma made him think otherwise. If he could get away with it sneakily, he’d beat the crowd, take care of pizza for both of them, and then they’d be set to get the hell outta Dodge.</p><p>“What do you think it’ll be like in there?” Emma asked. “I’ve never been to a college party before.”</p><p>Raiden stood on tiptoes, trying to see over the crowd and get a better glance at the frat house.</p><p>“Who all do you think is going to be drinking? I feel like everybody drinks here,” she continued. “The only time I’ve been around alcohol was when I got invited to this girl Nicole’s sweet 16, and she broke into her parents’ vodka and made me try some. I don’t get the big deal though - it just tasted like rubbing alcohol to me.”</p><p>“Honestly, I don’t know, Emma,” Raiden replied, descending from tiptoes. “I just wanna get inside and eat, though. I’m hungry.”</p><p>“Yeah, me too.”</p><hr/><p>The crowd of noisy college students finally packed into the Kappa Psi house, with most of the partygoers making a beeline for the alcohol. After getting Emma to find a spot for them, Raiden used what was left of his stealth training to slip seamlessly into the kitchen, where he was met by an insane amount of pizza boxes.</p><p>After grabbing a bottle of water, Emma took a seat on a black leather couch in the corner of the room that hadn’t been occupied yet. She felt the vibrations of the bass from the music all the way through the couch, and took to absentmindedly messing around on her phone while she waited for Raiden.</p><p>He was taking forever with that pizza. She glanced over her shoulder and saw a few people in the kitchen, but none of them were Raiden. Emma slunk back into the couch and was met by another male student who had quietly slipped onto the couch next to her.</p><p>“Hi, are you new here?” the guy asked.</p><p>Emma cocked an eyebrow. “Yeah. I’m a freshman.”</p><p>The guy licked his lips. “Well, my guy over there says you’re really cute.” He gestured to a nearby student, who gave a thumbs-up in response.</p><p>“Why are you telling me this?” Emma looked down at the intense game of Tetris she’d started on her phone.</p><p>“He’s a little shy,” the guy replied. “Mind giving me your number so I can pass it along to him?”</p><p>At this moment, Raiden walked up to the couch, carrying a red plastic cup and a plate overflowing with pizza. Emma made eye contact with Raiden, sending a silent SOS to him. He immediately picked up on it, and Emma let out a sigh of relief.</p><p>“Hey,” Raiden said, gesturing for the guy to get up. “Can I sit with my friend here?”</p><p>The guy shot a quick glance at Raiden, then back to Emma, handing her the phone. Raiden rolled his eyes.</p><p>“Sure, whatever,” Emma replied, taking the phone as the guy handed it to her and typing in a number. Raiden could only watch as she handed it back to him, seeing him off.</p><p>Raiden cringed as he took the now-vacant seat, which had a disgusting leathery warmness to it. He took a bite of his pizza which was now cold and sloppy and limp.</p><p>“Christ, Raiden,” Emma scoffed. “What took you so long back there?”</p><p>Raiden took a sip of his drink and handed her the food he had fought so hard to procure. “Some guy back there tried to give me shit for getting pizza. So I showed him.”</p><p>“Really?”  Emma took a bite of her pizza.</p><p>Raiden nodded. “It was ridiculous. That redhead girl from our public speaking class showed me where the vodka was, though, and we talked for a bit. Sorry I took so long.”</p><p>“There’s blood on your knuckle.”</p><p>Raiden looked down. “Oh, so there is.” He brushed it off on his white jeans, making the realization a bit too late when blood met denim. That’s what he gets for wearing new, unwashed clothes to a party.</p><p>He and Emma were silent for a moment, just eating their sad cold pizza. They both had the same thought: was this the reality of college parties? Nearly getting beat up over pizza and random guys asking for numbers? The night was still young, though, and things were bound to change somehow, for better or for worse.</p><p>“I gave that guy a fake number,” Emma suddenly blurted out.</p><p>Raiden raised an eyebrow. “Why’d you do that?”</p><p>“He was totally creeping me out. He said his friend thought I was cute, but I saw right through all of that. He was just trying to get a rise out of me.” Emma crossed her arms, a sly smile spreading across her face. “I gave him Snake’s number, though.”</p><p>Raiden began laughing. “Oh my God, Emma, you’re awful!”</p><p>“I know!” Emma exclaimed through laughter. “So this guy is expecting a hookup with a girl he doesn’t find conventionally attractive, but instead he’s getting my brother’s boyfriend. I can’t begin to imagine how funny that’ll end up being.”</p><p>Raiden stopped laughing, the realization of what she just said hitting him hard. “W-wait, not conventionally attractive? Emma, where’d that come from?”</p><p>Emma looked down at her Tetris game again.</p><p>“Emma?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Afterparty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: mild mention of sexual assault (nothing worse than what you'd see in MGS, but still important to note)<br/>Edit: fixed something I misremembered from MGS2 as well as changing some word choices.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Emma glanced up at Raiden. “You wouldn’t get it. You’re a guy.”</p><p>Raiden scoffed. “Maybe I won’t. I don’t want you to feel bad about yourself, though.”</p><p>Emma sighed, looking at her phone despite having turned off the game. “It’s kind of... the thing, you know?”</p><p>“The thing? I'm really not getting what you’re saying.”</p><p>“A girl like me who has glasses, isn’t the skinniest, and is just sort of socially awkward isn’t typically someone all of the guys are clamoring for,” Emma continued, looking down at her phone. "So when and if a guy comes along, he’s either trying to get a girl like that too excited to think straight, or he’s got some weird … thing for girls that look like that.”</p><p>She looked up at him. “It’s okay, though. I’ve gotten used to it, I guess.”</p><p>Raiden twirled a piece of blonde hair around his finger. “Well, damn, uh, I don’t know how to respond to that.”</p><p>“You don’t have to.” Emma stood up suddenly. “I’m gonna get a drink. You want anything?”</p><p>Raiden held up his vodka soda. “Nah, I think I’m good for now. Thanks, though.”</p><p>Damn. What was that all about? Raiden wasn’t too in touch with the ideas of self-esteem and image, especially when it came to women, since standards were so high for their looks. Sure, he cared about what he looked like, but he didn’t really apply himself to what was conventionally attractive and what wasn’t. He had this new freedom to wear what he liked since leaving the military, so that opened up worlds of fashion opportunities he’d never even <em> known </em>about. When he realized that men weren’t confined to getting clothes from just one section of the department store, he nearly lost his shit.</p><p>The only other woman who had told him about issues like this was Rose, but even then Raiden knew every bad thing Rose ever said about her appearance was untrue. Granted, Emma looked much different than Rose and was just a friend, but even then, she wasn’t nearly as bad as she made herself out to be.</p><p>Emma was taking forever to get her drink. Raiden began to worry. Where could she have gone? She made it sound like she wasn’t going to have any alcohol, but in an environment like this, it would be so easy for her to end up drinking. And especially when she seemed so sad out of nowhere...</p><p>He stood up from the couch and began making his rounds around the frat house, keeping an eye out for her.</p><p>When he finally found her, she was sitting in the grass behind the house, where it was much more peaceful. All of the windows in the house were open, so the music played through, but it was less intrusive. The sun was beginning to set, and she just sat, not moving an inch.</p><p>Raiden took a seat next to her, handing her a cup. “Here. I figured you weren’t actually getting something to drink.”</p><p>Emma said nothing, instead grabbing the cup and sniffing it. She took a sip, then slowly looked at him, a disgusted expression spreading across her face. “Raiden, this is alcohol.”</p><p>“Oh shit!” Raiden yelled, taking her cup and swapping it for the other one he was carrying. “I swear that was an accident. This one is water.”</p><p>Emma took a sip, and surely enough, it was.</p><p>“Sorry. I made myself another vodka soda and these cups are identical.” Raiden took a sip of his now-correct drink. “Are you... doing alright after all that?”</p><p>Emma shook her head. “Not really, but I’ll be okay. I think this party has made me realize that parties are not for me.”</p><p>“You really think so?” Raiden was almost disappointed. He was having a mostly okay time - he was happy to spend time with her, but if she wasn’t cool with parties, then he understood.</p><p>“Yeah. It’s just, like, too many sounds and too many people all at once. I really feel like shit after that guy asked for my number earlier. It kinda… reinforced all the bad stuff I feel about myself.”</p><p>Raiden nodded. “I feel like shit that some frat guy grabbed my ass and I thought breaking his nose was a viable response.”</p><p>Emma nearly spit out her water. “He did <em> what </em>to you? You didn’t say anything about that earlier.”</p><p>“Are you not remembering what happened with me and the president on Big Shell?” Raiden shuddered, remembering how disgusting and perverted that man was. “And I could've done so much worse."</p><p>“That’s still really messed up.” Emma coughed, some of her drink having landed in her lungs.</p><p>“I know…” Raiden sighed. “I just wish that violence wasn’t my first response to situations like that.” Maybe it was the vodka finally settling in, but he felt a weird wave of sadness and perpetual regret coming over him like a huge looming rain cloud. He hadn’t felt like this in awhile, and he hated every minute of it. Yet, he continued drinking it because it tasted so good.</p><p>“Raiden, he <em> assaulted </em>you. I think you made the right choice to break his nose,” Emma said softly. “And I think that’ll teach him before he tries to grab someone like that again. He deserved it.”</p><p>Raiden felt himself smile a bit. “Yeah. Maybe he did deserve it.”</p><p>“I wish people didn’t act like that,” Emma said, staring up at the orange-red sunset.</p><p>Raiden scoffed. “No kidding. People suck. And parties just reinforce that.”</p><p>“Let’s get outta here,” Emma said, standing up and beginning to walk around the house.</p><p>Raiden stood up too and began to follow her, but suddenly remembered something. “Wait up. Emma, I’ve got a proposition for you.” A sly smile spread across his face.</p><p>“Alright?”</p><p>“How much do you bet that I can sneak into the house and take the rest of their blue raspberry vodka without getting caught?”</p><p>“Wait, did you say blue raspberry?” Emma stopped in her tracks. “That sounds pretty good, actually.”</p><p>Raiden was confused. “Did you… not know alcohol had other flavors?”</p><p>“No! Who do you think I am?” Emma asked, almost defensively. She immediately reeled back. “I just... didn’t know it could taste good.”</p><p>“Well, I’m not going to enable you or, like, force you to try it, but… place your bets. This party sucked, so I’m going to steal from them.”</p><p>“Alright.” Emma dug around in the pocket of her shorts. “This $10 bill is yours if nobody catches you.”</p><p>Raiden saluted her and slunk back into the house. “Stay put.”</p><p>Emma glanced down at her phone, re-investing herself into her intense game of Tetris. Not even five minutes later, Raiden had somehow returned with a 6-pack of Sprite and not one but two bottles of that vodka.</p><p>“Whoa.” Emma was astonished, slipping her phone into her shorts pocket and taking the Sprite from him. “How did you manage that?”</p><p>“Stealth camo,” Raiden joked. “Done it a million times before. Now pay up.”</p><p>“In VR,” Emma scoffed. She slipped the $10 bill into the front pocket of his jeans.</p><p>Raiden playfully punched her upper arm, the bottle of vodka sloshing. “Don’t get me started on that.”</p><p>The two laughed all the way back to the dorms.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>We are all love Emma Emmerich</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Locked and Loaded</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Raiden’s dorm was small, but comfortable enough for two. There was a chair near the desk, so Emma took a seat, half-watching Raiden play some fighting game on his Xbox and half-playing her own game of Tetris. Raiden was a dumbass and had no cups in his dorm, so for every win he took a swig of Sprite and then washed it down with the blue raspberry vodka straight from the bottle. And for every loss? He did the same.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Emma, you sure you don’t want to play?” he finally asked. This had been maybe the third or fourth time he’d asked her. He was getting persistent and drunk. She was on her second Sprite and feeling nothing but the acidic bubbles.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma shook her head. “Nah, I’m good,” she insinuated. “I’m actually having a lot of fun watching you play. You’re really good.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my god. Really?” Raiden asked, almost sounding emotionally moved by that. “Thank you!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She wasn’t lying. He <em>was</em> good at this game, especially when it came to landing combos. Watching him play was strangely hypnotic, and despite his intoxicated nature, he only seemed to get better and better. It seemed like even he didn’t realize it, as his confused exclamations of “holy shit!” only increased as he played. It was actually fairly entertaining.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Rose was really good at this, too,” he said softly, his motions in game slowing down until he eventually hit the home button and turned the console off silently. “We... used to play all the time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma glanced up at the TV, which was now turned off, then back at him. Raiden had suddenly looked… sad. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nah, it was more than sad. It was downright distraught. It was like the difference between day and night. He held the controller blankly and reached for the bottle, cradling it as he sat cross-legged on the bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not like she died or anything,” Emma finally said, turning to face him. “You know, she probably misses you as much as you miss her.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma knew that probably wasn’t true, but she didn’t want to break her poor drunk friend’s heart. He’d been through enough already. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma didn’t know much about Rose except what she had discovered on Big Shell. Rose was monitoring the mission he was on, and despite her insistence that she was just protecting him, she was insanely jealous of Emma for whatever reason. Emma never understood that - why would she, of all people, appeal to a man already in a relationship? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bullshit, Emma,” Raiden said aggressively. He screwed the cap off the bottle and took a massive swig, his shoulders shaking as the vodka settled into his body. “She’s probably fucking another guy already.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t know that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raiden slunk into the bed, long limbs sprawled across both sides. The bottle dropped to the floor. “There is a lot you don’t know, either,” he said, words slurring together as he began to cry. “I don’t think she ever loved me the way she said she did.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I, uh, I’m really sorry to hear that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’ve been doing couple’s counseling, I’m in therapy, I’m recovering and so’s she, but it was so hard to see the red flags,” he continued through tears, stuttering and slurring words together. “When.. when everything seemed so perfect before.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Emma repeated.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t be.” Raiden shifted in the bed, turning over on his side. “It’s not your fault.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma couldn’t stand to watch her friend cry, a sudden feeling of anxiety hitting her out of nowhere. She excused herself to the bathroom down the hall, which was of course a terrible decision in hindsight but it provided relief to her aching heart. Plus, she actually had to go.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On the way down the hall, she texted her brother Hal, the only person she could think of who may be able to help. Hal knew Raiden a bit better than she did, and he was in a beautiful and perfect relationship with the man of his dreams, so maybe he’d understand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Emma: Hey Hal, what do you do when your friend is drunk and having relationship issues? </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Emma: Kinda freaking out here</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She hadn’t even noticed how late it was. Hal was definitely asleep by this point, right?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Hal: Is this about Raiden?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Or maybe not. Hal’s response was instantaneous. It’s like he’d been waiting by the phone, locked and loaded for this exact moment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Emma: Sadly. He’s been drinking and he’s the one who brought up his gf</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Emma: I’ve been the moral support</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Emma: Sorry to blow up your phone so late</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma walked down the hall back to the dorm, expecting Raiden to still be curled up and wallowing in his own misery. She hadn’t been gone that long, right?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raiden, instead, was on the phone, a vacant yet determined look on his face despite his tear streaks and smudged eyeliner. He bit his bottom lip so hard it looked like it was about to fall off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Holy shit.” Emma’s stomach dropped. “Please tell me that’s not who I think it is.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raiden held up one finger, his arm perfectly straight despite the wobble the rest of his body had maintained. “Ah. Yes. Hello Rosemary, this is Jack,” he began, with a drunken confidence only absolute idiots have.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span><em>Jesus fucking Christ.</em> </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma looked down at her phone to see more texts from her brother. Raiden continued to talk, presumably leaving a lovely drunken voicemail for his girlfriend to wake up to. She barely made out any words of his rambling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Hal: It’s ok. I’m still awake</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Hal: From what Dave told me it seemed like Raiden &amp; Rose were doing ok</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Hal: Unless he was lying to us the whole time</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In that moment, it was like time had stopped, like in that one old anime about the buff dudes that Hal loved. The villain stopped time during a big fight and was the only one who could move in that moment. It was the perfect time to go in for the kill.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma was going to go in for the kill. She was going to stop Raiden from saying anything more. She could move her fingers, feeling them wiggle despite the numbness in her fingertips. Yet, she felt like her feet were glued to the floor. Her phone buzzed again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Hal: Was he lying to us the whole time?!</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma could only stare in awe as she typed out a one-word response.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Emma: Yep</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>👀 jojo reference? In my mgs fic?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Rude Awakenings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Raiden wake up you fucked up big time</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Yeah. Love you. Bye.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Raiden’s words were short and slurred. He hung up, the phone nearly slipping from his hands. Emma couldn’t help but just stare at him as he left the unsavory voicemail. Rose was going to be beyond pissed when she woke up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What was that?” Emma muttered, still in shock.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Raiden laid down in the bed. “Broke up with Rose.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emma did a double take. “You </span>
  <em>
    <span>broke up </span>
  </em>
  <span>with her?” She, of course, had watched the whole thing, but she was half-texting her brother and half-listening. It got hard to understand what Raiden was saying, too, since he was so drunk and had just finished crying. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like, just now? Over the phone?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emma sighed. “I commend you for doing what would make you happy,” she finally said, taking a seat in the chair at his desk. “But your ass is gonna be in </span>
  <em>
    <span>so </span>
  </em>
  <span>much trouble tomorrow.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Raiden scoffed, rolling over in the bed. “That is an issue for future me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was silent for a long time after that, and when Emma finally looked over, Raiden’s eyes were closed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’ll leave you to it,” Emma said flatly, beginning to leave the room to walk across campus to her dorm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>About halfway down the stairs, Emma stopped in her tracks. She didn’t feel safe walking all that way by herself, especially on a night like this where a major party was happening. She sighed, grasping her keys between her fingers like brass knuckles, then loosened her grip and headed back up to Raiden’s dorm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thankfully, the door to both the hall and his room were unlocked. She stole a blanket and pillow he wasn’t using and found a spot on the carpet. It wasn’t ideal, but it sure beat walking across an entire campus in the dark.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Emma awoke to the sound of Raiden’s phone vibrating, nearly toppling off his desk. He was still fast asleep, so she walked over to the desk to investigate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rose was calling. That was to be expected. Emma just rejected the call and was about to put the phone down, but Raiden’s notifications were blowing up.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Rose: Are you okay? (sent 9 am)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Rose: Why did you call me at 1 am (sent 9:02 am)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>(4 missed calls from: Rose)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Holy shit,” Emma whispered, continuing to scroll through. “Rest in peace, Raiden.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Rose: Oh ok (sent 9:25 am)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Rose: So that’s how you’re gonna be (sent 9:28 am)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>(3 missed calls from: Rose)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Rose: Thought the couples therapy was working (sent 9:40 am)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Rose: I’m coming down there and we’re going to talk (sent 10 am)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>(Voicemail from: Rose)</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Emma felt her stomach drop. Raiden was definitely going to get it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And as if on cue, Raiden finally opened his eyes, immediately feeling a massive twinge of pain shoot through his entire body. “Emma?” he said softly, looking over. “I didn’t know you stayed the night.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her heart began racing. “Oh, I just didn’t want to walk across campus all by myself last night.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Raiden squinted, leaning over in the bed to get a closer look at what she was holding. “Is that my phone?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No! I mean, yes,” Emma exclaimed, setting it down on the desk. “Someone was calling you and it woke me up. So I turned it off.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who was calling me?” Raiden asked, genuinely confused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A scammer,” Emma answered quickly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>A scammer might be more charismatic than Rose, though, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Emma thought to herself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Raiden groaned and got up from the bed, hand on the side of his head as if it minimized the pain. He looked worse for wear: his eye makeup was smudged and his blonde hair stuck up in every direction. Somehow, he had fallen asleep in his blue tank top and white jeans.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel like something happened last night,” he said out of nowhere. He turned to Emma. “Did I… do anything stupid?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emma gulped. “Not any more than usual,” she joked, trying to lighten the mood and prevent Raiden from knowing what he’d done for as long as possible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He narrowed his eyebrows, but then immediately winced. “No, I’m serious. Nothing regrettable? Nothing I’d do sober?” He looked over at the empty vodka bottles on the nightstand and let out a loud sigh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you were fine last night,” Emma lied. “But I’ve got to head to my dorm now to study for that exam on Tuesday.” She was partially being honest on that part - she and Raiden did, in fact, have a psychology exam on Tuesday. But she needed an easy way out before the carnage began.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Raiden opened a drawer on the nightstand and produced a bottle of aspirin. He grabbed four of them, washing them down with a sip of now-lukewarm Sprite he spotted out of the corner of his eye. “Alright. But before you go…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please for the love of God make it quick, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Emma thought frantically.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Raiden smiled. “I just wanted to say thanks for hanging with me last night. It was just… really nice to spend time with you in less, uh, dire conditions.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emma felt herself beginning to smile, too, but then bit her bottom lip. “Of course. Anytime you want to do something, I’m down. Except now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll let you go, then,” Raiden said, leaning over towards the desk to get his phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emma gulped, slipping out of the room. “See ya around!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was weird,” Raiden muttered to himself. He unlocked his phone and his heart immediately dropped.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Emma was sure she’d never run faster in her life. Not even when it was a life or death situation. She nearly tripped over her own feet, her flip-flops loudly clacking and slapping the floor with every movement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She raced down the stairs, silently praying that Raiden was going to be okay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emma’s mind was racing. Her attempts to make sense of the situation and Raiden’s motives fell short, and all she wanted was a distraction until she saw him again.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s an idiot! But he did something that would benefit him in the long run. But he did it drunkenly! Over voicemail!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Once she reached the lobby, she let out a sigh of relief and slowed her pace down to a speedy walk. Emma looked down at the floor as she walked, causing her to bump into a tall brunette woman holding a map.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” the woman exclaimed. “Are you -”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The woman immediately froze, her expression shifting from polite and apologetic to bitter and unforgiving. She looked Emma up and down, and rolled her eyes angrily as she kept walking, the clacking of her high heels fading out as she got further from Emma.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What the hell was her deal, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Emma thought to herself, continuing to walk to her building. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Some people can be so judgemental.</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>👀👀👀👀👀</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Taking Control</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was at that moment that Raiden realized he had fucked up.</p><p>He had done something to piss her off, but his memories regarding his call from last night came up blank. Was he really <em> that </em>drunk? Was his memory just failing him like it sometimes did, burying important details that were just too intense?</p><p>Then again, when was Raiden <em> not </em> upsetting Rose? Their relationship consisted exclusively of walking on eggshells, rampant dishonesty, passive-aggressiveness, and blatant gaslighting. He wasn’t perfect by a long shot, but Rose was the more flawed of the two. Yet, she pinned it all on him and his trauma and his job and his mental illnesses. If something went wrong, it was his fault. If she was upset, he was forced to comfort her. And if she accused him of some crazy falsehood, it had to be true because it came out of her mouth.</p><p>Yet if he was upset, she didn’t really seem to care for him at all. She’d say some words of condolences then leave it at that. Either that, or she’d berate him for feeling that way, and blame it on something untrue, and it would just go on.</p><p>She was only contributing to this vicious cycle, and then wondered why their relationship was still on the rocks.</p><p>She had blown up his phone with a flurry of calls and texts and angry voicemails. Raiden couldn’t believe it. He vaguely remembered leaving some voicemail involving breaking up with her, but judging by his hangover and her reaction, he probably didn’t do it very wisely.</p><p>“Why am I so stupid,” he muttered to himself, slinking further into the bed and feeling his brain pulsate from his evaporating headache. The brightness of the fluorescent lights over the bed were blinding and painful, so he covered his eyes and rolled over onto his side.</p><p>There was an angry knock at the door, shaking him out of the bed. He narrowed his eyes as he began his slow descent to the door, where the knocking only grew louder. Who could it be at this hour?</p><p>Raiden opened the door and wished he hadn’t. His heart dropped as Rose walked in silently, her face expressionless. Despite her stone face, her body language was angry and aggressive. She took a seat on the bed and just stared at him.</p><p>Raiden took a seat on the chair at the desk. “Listen, I'm s-”</p><p>“No, <em>I’m</em> sorry,” she replied, as if she could read his mind. “I’m sorry I thought our couples’ therapy was working. Because clearly, if you had so much of an issue with me, we would’ve talked about it.”</p><p>Raiden opened his mouth to speak, feeling only air escape.</p><p>Rose pulled out her phone. “Jack, do you remember the <em> very nice </em>  and <em> totally sober </em> voicemail you left me last night?”</p><p>“No, I really don’t,” Raiden replied. He wasn’t lying. His memory of what he had said to her was spotty.</p><p>With a smirk on her face, Rose played back the voicemail he had left.</p><p>“Ah. Yes. Hello Rosemary, this is Jack. I just wanted to say… I’m done with all of this, and I’ve put up with this relationship too long. So bye. Yeah. Love you. Bye.”</p><p>As the voicemail ended, her smirk dropped, and she bit her lip. Raiden could only look at her, feeling immense guilt grow in his gut after hearing his own voice playing back to him. This was the woman who loved him, who he thought he loved, and he had just called it quits so easily, just like that. </p><p>He truly meant it despite his drunkenness - he had put up with her poor treatment much too long, but should he put up with it longer? Longevity in a relationship is a good thing, of course, and he was sure that not every relationship was a perfect thing anyway. He just sat there, holding his head in his hands. Rose, for once, was silent, and took the opportunity to stare at him. She moved closer and began rubbing the top of his head softly, feeling his soft blonde hair between her fingers.</p><p><em> This is no reason to be guilty, </em> Raiden thought to himself, using logical thinking for once. <em> I am standing up for myself. I am taking control. </em></p><p>Her fingertips felt foreign to him, like little pinpricks across the top of his head. He pulled his head up and looked at her.</p><p>He had never seen Rose so upset before. Her expression was totally blank, but there was this glassiness to her eyes that meant she was probably due to start crying.</p><p>"Rose, babe, d-don't cry," he heard himself saying. The words felt so strange and unfamiliar to him.</p><p>She started crying anyway, holding her head down as she softly sobbed. He wondered if he should extend an arm, put his hand on her back, play with her hair, anything... but that felt so disconnected to him. He was going to stand his ground and no longer feel sorry for what he'd done.</p><p>"How am I not supposed to be crying when you're <em>cheating </em>on me?" Rose said, her voice muffled from hanging her head down.</p><p>If Raiden had been drinking something, he surely would've spit it out in shock. He stifled a laugh of disbelief. "Cheating on you?! Where did you get that idea?"</p><p>"I passed Emma when I came in. I know how close you two are, and it makes me sick."</p><p>Raiden actually let out a laugh. "Are you kidding, Rose? <em>Emma? </em>Me and Emma?"</p><p>"God. You're such an asshole, Jack, you know that?" Rose asked. Typically she said that sort of stuff to him in a joking manner, but there was a thick layer of venom beneath those words. "You really are. I know you think it's so funny that I'm right."</p><p>Raiden sighed. "No, I just think it's funny that you think so lowly of me. And you've always thought that. It's not fair to either of us, and I only stuck around because I hoped that maybe, just maybe, you'd grow up and stop treating me the way you do. But you just keep doing this, and wondering why things are so rocky between us."</p><p>Rose was silent for once.</p><p>"I'm doing this for you, too, you know," Raiden continued, biting his bottom lip. "I know how <em>hard </em>it is to deal with someone who has trauma. I know it's even harder to deal with that when you refuse to listen to them or take it seriously. Consider yourself lucky right now, Rose. Go find some normal guy who had a normal, happy life, and I'll be over here wishing you well."</p><p>"Jack," she muttered, but then trailed off. "I'm trying my best," she finally said, sounding almost defeated.</p><p>"Your best is nothing."</p><p>"Is it so wrong of me to be concerned about other women?" Rose yelled, pulling her head up to face him. "You don't think I worry about that sort of thing?"</p><p>"Well, problem solved." Raiden crossed his arms. "You don't need to worry anymore."</p><p>"Jack?"</p><p>"Listen, I know I'm not perfect. I never said I was. I'm fucked up and impulsive and I do a lot of dumb things. I'm sure I've hurt you, too, and I'm sorry. But this is for your own good."</p><p>"How is it for my own good?" Rose balled her fists, digging her sharp nails into her palms.</p><p>Raiden threw his hands up. "Do I need to spell it out for you?" He immediately took a deep breath, trying to cool himself down and resolve the situation. "Some people aren't meant to be together forever. Clearly we weren't."</p><p>"You can't be so sure about that," Rose sighed. "Good things take time."</p><p>"I've given you plenty of time. I've given you years, and the good doesn't hold a candle to all of the bad from both of us. But now I'm ready for it to be over."</p><p>Rose had nothing to say. She stood up, her legs shaking, and began walking to the door. Raiden trailed behind, the weight of what he'd just done hitting him like a ton of bricks.</p><p>"I understand, Jack," she finally said, looking blankly at him. "And I'm sorry."</p><p>Raiden only nodded, putting his hands on her shoulders and letting out a deep sigh.</p><p>Rose removed his hands from her shoulders. "It still hurts, though." </p><p>"But you won't be hurt anymore, worrying about me and all that's wrong with me. We can heal."</p><p>"Right." Rose looked down at her shoes, then back up at Raiden. "Take care of yourself, Jack."</p><p>And unexpectedly, Rose reached out to hug him. Raiden wanted to cry, but he didn't. He patted her on the back as she only squeezed his midsection harder.</p><p>"Take care of yourself, Rose," he whispered, her grip loosening.</p><p>She nodded. He stared.</p><p>And then she left. Raiden knew she was heading straight down the hall and into the elevator, but he watched her go down the hall until he couldn't see her anymore. The weight of his actions was beginning to make him feel like shit, but he tried to keep his head up. He deserved better. And he would feel better once the time had passed.</p><p>But right now, all he could do was sink into his bed, feeling strange.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. How Does it Feel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Raiden couldn't pull himself out of bed for most of the day. Maybe the emptiness consumed him, conflicting feelings making his stomach stir. He felt so sick, and his headache certainly hadn't gone away. Was this what it felt like to think for yourself, to be your own person? He didn't like it.</p><p>There was a deep feeling of anger, too. He was angry at himself for letting such a negative force control him for so long. He was angry at Rose for being the way she was. And, unusually enough, he was angry at Emma for lying to him before. Emma wasn't the dishonest type, even stooping as low to be brutally honest about things that other people wouldn't dare mention. And Raiden wasn't typically the angry, aggressive type. Yet, today, the anger and the emptiness made him feel like shit.</p><p>He had felt this before, sure, this level of despair and emotional confusion. But now he felt like he was missing something. Was he missing Rose? Instinctively, he reached for his phone, expecting a text from her around this time. But his notifications showed no new messages, no missed calls, no voicemails except the ones he had missed from her previous attempts to reach him.</p><p>Raiden played one of the voicemails without even thinking. Hearing her voice at such a sensitive time wasn't the best idea, but all he wanted was to hurt and be hurt. He was taking in his despair decadently, sipping it like the finest wine, instead of allowing himself to move on and get over it.</p><p>"Hi, Jack, this is Rose," her calm voice said through the speakers of his phone. "I've been trying to reach you, please call me back when you get this, honey. Love you."</p><p>He pressed 7 to erase the message, then moved onto the next. This time, she sounded a bit more angry with him.</p><p>"Jack, I'm worried about you. Please call me back when you're feeling better. Bye."</p><p>He pressed 7 again, really digging his thumbnail into his phone's keypad. Once more, and her voicemail was dripping with anger and venom.</p><p>"Jack, I'm coming over there. I demand an explanation."</p><p>And he had given her one, as hard as it was for him to admit. The deed was done. He should feel happy that he cut her off, right?</p><p>He was holding down the 7 key at this point, hoping that the harder he pressed, the more memories of her would leave his mind and his phone. He didn't want to cry, so he glanced up at the ceiling, forcing himself to blink rapidly so the tears didn't fall.</p><p>The Braille indentation of the 7 key was beginning to hurt his thumb, so he let go, closing the lid of his flip phone and setting it down on the nightstand. He fanned his face, still sitting up in the bed.</p><p>Reluctantly pulling himself out of bed, he felt the nausea growing in his stomach. He didn't want to get sick, so he just reached over and finished the room-temperature Sprite, hoping the carbonation would settle him. He figured maybe a shower would help him feel better, too, but the act of getting himself ready to take a shower was just so taxing. First he had to grab a fresh set of clothes, and some towels, and all of his bottles of shampoo and conditioner and body wash and face wash...</p><p>Raiden stood up, letting out a deep sigh as he dropped his shoulders. He didn't take a single step into his dorm's bathroom, just made his way towards the mirror and just looked at himself for awhile, not recognizing what he was seeing. He looked beyond rough, his face still tear-streaked and looking generally unclean. His blonde hair, usually well-kept and bouncy, stuck up at every side. He must've looked like a crazy person during his argument with Rose earlier.</p><p>After what felt like hours of psyching himself up to do the most menial self-care task, he stepped into the shower, feeling the warm water cascade down his long hair and drip down his face and body. The warm water was so comforting. It felt like a well-needed hug from someone he missed.</p><p>Once he got dried off and got into clean clothes, he felt so much better. Emotionally, he still felt strange, but his nauseous stomach was gone and he realized he was now hungry. He wondered what Emma was doing and thought about texting her, but immediately he revoked that concept, remembering that he was angry with her dishonesty. It wasn't a deep, bitter anger, but rather an annoyance he wanted to talk to her about before he felt comfortable just hanging out with her like normal.</p><p>Yet, he understood why she lied. While Emma was someone who loved to argue (and argue she did - Raiden had to unfortunately hear every argument she had with her stepbrother), she hated being in the middle of someone else's argument, especially if she was viewed so negatively by the opposition. Emma was someone who stood her ground and told people how she felt, but also felt the need to run away from situations she had no involvement in. Raiden sighed and grabbed his phone to text her, hoping to grab lunch with her and talk it over or something.</p><hr/><p>Emma had been holed up in the library, studying for her psychology test. Yet she had a feeling of anxiety deep in her stomach, having abandoned Raiden in what was arguably his time of need. While her notes were impeccable, she couldn't really focus on them and get all of the vocabulary words memorized while she felt like this.</p><p>She needed a break. Her brain felt like mush. She grabbed her phone from the pocket of her shorts and began to compose a text to Raiden, but as soon as she started, her phone vibrated.</p><p>
  <em>Raiden: So the deed is done. Let's do lunch.</em>
</p><p>Emma smiled, her nerves dissolving as she got her study materials packed up into her messenger bag. She began to walk to his dorm, meeting up with him outside.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. All of the People Who Will Love You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Emma drove a rickety old car, the kind that was older than her and looked like it shouldn’t even have a running engine anymore. It was her brother’s old car that he hadn’t formally given to her, but it was assumed that she would be driving it now since Hal and Dave now drove a fancy Jeep everywhere. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Despite its appearance, that gray little car with the shiny leather interior and the broken glove box latch drove like a dream, give or take a few bumps. It would be nice to take a little drive around the college town just to get a feel for the place. Plus, she loved driving. It was much more relaxing than she’d anticipated when she was first learning.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raiden hadn’t seen a car that only took cassette tapes. The car didn’t even have a CD player, and the windows were the kind you had to manually roll up. There were remnants of Hal’s old anime decals, their still-sticky outlines sticking out like sore thumbs on the corners of the dirty windows.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The two had been silent for too long. Despite their text conversation, the air was still thick with awkwardness.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, Emma?” Raiden asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s up?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t mind me asking what all of that was about earlier, do you?” he asked. “With the lying about, uh, her?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wasn’t mad anymore at this point - he sort of understood where she was coming from. But he wondered if maybe she was just mad at him for what he had done the night before. He would understand if she was upset about that. While he felt proud of himself for standing up to Rose, emotionally he felt so drained and strange. How weird would it be for him to be single again? How did he go so many years in such a loveless situation? How long would it take for him to feel normal and happy again?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma sighed. “You know, it’s funny."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I don’t mind being honest, but sometimes I do what feels right in the moment, you know?" Emma turned down the radio. "And I don’t really think about the outcome until later.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess I can see what you’re talking about?” He really didn’t see what she was talking about.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Thankfully, Emma picked up on his inquisitive tone. “It was an awkward situation, and I could tell we were both sort of overwhelmed by it. And I don’t like to be mixed up in others’ drama, especially if there’s already issues with me and the opposition.” She rolled her eyes, remembering how rude Rose had been when they bumped into each other in the lobby.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right.” Raiden sighed. “I just can’t help but wonder how differently it would’ve been if -”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If I had just been honest?” Emma asked, reading his mind. “And if I’d stuck around to see you argue with your ex? Like, I’m not trying to be rude or anything, but do you really think me being there would’ve made her feel better?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe,” Raiden said under his breath. He wasn’t even sure himself if Emma being there would’ve softened the blow or made it even worse for Rose. He was beginning to think it was the latter of the two, considering how Rose felt about his friend. Maybe he just didn’t want to be handling these situations by himself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Huh?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing.” Raiden shrugged. “I guess I was… more just worried about what had happened to you. It was so strange. I thought you'd be more upfront than that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought so, too,” Emma replied, switching lanes. “But when it’s about you and her? She already hates me, Raiden. I couldn’t have remedied that if I tried. I totally froze and bailed on you after lying, and I’m sorry. But I feel like it would’ve been worse on both of us if I’d stuck around to see the carnage unfold.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve never understood why she hates you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Me neither. What did I do to piss her off so much, besides exist?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess we’ll never know,” Raiden replied. “But I mean, if you’d been honest, I still would’ve felt so upset and empty because of this. I guess I should know what to expect when I dump someone like that, huh?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Should I be upset with myself that I couldn’t stop you?” Emma asked, suddenly feeling a pang of guilt hit her out of nowhere. Goddammit, she thought she was over this. “I mean, you were doing what needed to be done, for your sake. It’s just that the way you did it -”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was dumb, I know.” Raiden sighed. “But it’s like you said last night about doing what makes me happy. That's what I did. I feel a bit strange now, but that’s pretty normal for a break up. And whether I was unhappy in the relationship or not, I miss her, in a weird way. But that’s going to go away very soon.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma didn’t quite relate to the feeling, but she understood based on what he told her. “Well, if you need someone, my statement about wanting to hang out still stands.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course.” Raiden smiled, feeling a bit better about everything already. “And you shouldn’t feel bad for not stopping me. This needed to happen, no matter <em>how</em> it happened. I needed to be free to work on myself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s important.” Emma parked the car in front of a mysterious building, a restaurant specializing in diner-style breakfasts and lunches. She began to step out, but Raiden stopped her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,” he said softly. “So we’re cool?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Emma grinned. “Always.”</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>The two took a seat at a red-and-white vinyl booth that looked straight out of the 1950s. A waiter handed them two menus, and they continued their chatter while they half-glanced at the menus.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think I’m realizing what it is,” Raiden said suddenly. “About missing her, I mean.”</span>
</p>
<p>"Yeah?”</p>
<p>
  <span>Raiden glanced down at his menu, scanning the lists of pancake flavors. “I miss just the sense of belonging, I guess. Even though she wasn’t making me happy… I was happy to feel like I </span>
  <em>
    <span>belonged </span>
  </em>
  <span>to somebody, that I was taken by her. And I don't want to be lonely again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you didn’t want to disrupt that status quo?” Emma asked. Understanding relationships wasn’t much of a strong suit for her, having never been in one before. Yet, she listened and hung onto every word.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think so,” Raiden replied. “I just felt like I never had the strength or the say in any part of our relationship. It was always what she wanted, what she thought, what she made me do. But maybe being led like that was what was best for me. I feel like I can’t fend for myself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did she make you feel that way?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raiden thought for a moment. “Yeah. She did. She made me feel like I was too weak, too dumb to do things for myself. And I know deep down that I’m not, but she put those thoughts in my head constantly, even though I was the one fending for us and ending up in near-death situations just to support our family. But she made it seem like I was incapable of doing anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The two stopped their conversation to order their drinks from the waiter - Raiden got a coffee and Emma got a glass of chocolate milk - then continued once the waiter was out of earshot.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Raiden, I know you’re capable of great things.” Emma grinned. “And the fact that you’re going to college and bettering yourself is proof of that. Whatever she’s thought about you doesn’t matter anymore. She’s gone.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right. She’s gone.” Raiden sighed and slumped down in his seat, feeling himself sink into the vinyl booth. He glanced up at the ceiling, where the bright lights made him wince.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And you’re going to surround yourself with people who see the good in you,” Emma continued, only pausing to thank the waiter for their drinks. “You haven’t even met all of the people who will love you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raiden felt himself smile. “That means a lot to me, Emma. Thank you.” He reached for cream and sugar and began to ruin his perfectly-dark coffee.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A rustling in the booth behind them startled Raiden. Emma peered over and saw her stepbrother and the back of Dave’s head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Speaking of people who love you…” Emma said with a grin. “Wasn’t expecting to see you guys here!”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Truly, Madly, Honestly</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Emma had somehow convinced the couple to sit with her and Raiden at their booth. Raiden at first felt a strange awkward feeling stir in his stomach, but it dissipated once he realized how legitimately happy he was to see them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What brings you guys here?” he asked. “It’s kind of a long drive from Manhattan.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hal grinned. “We were just going to visit you guys and see how your first full week on campus was! Plus, Dave and I haven’t had breakfast for lunch in ages.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Behind the menu, the usually-silent Dave was smiling. Raiden looked over and could see it in his eyes, in the little bits of early crows-feet the man was developing. Raiden felt himself smiling, too, ecstatic and relieved to see the couple again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, how was your first week, Emma?” Hal asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was really good,” Emma replied. “Raiden and I hung out a lot. It’s nice to get to know him in less dire circumstances. We did a project where we had to interview each other, and we’ve had psychology class, together, too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That sounds really interesting,” Dave remarked, taking a sip of his coffee. “And what about you, Raiden?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Less than stellar,” Raiden mumbled. “But I’ll be okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you need to talk about it, kid?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ehhh… I’ve been talking to Emma nonstop about it,” Raiden finally said. “I’ll just give you guys the short version, I guess.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it about Rose?” Hal asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah - Wait, how do you know that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hal gestured to Emma. “She’s been worried about you and this whole girlfriend thing. She was blowing up my phone last night, asking my advice, as if I know anything about women.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Raiden looked down. “Right. I figured she’d talk to you about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, it’s okay, though. I’m sure Rose still loves you-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, that’s the thing,” Raiden cut in. “I, um, broke up with her. And I know it was what was right for me. But I’m not sure if it was what Rose needed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The group changed gears once the waiter came by to take their orders. Hal and Dave split a giant breakfast platter with all kinds of foods; Raiden got an omelette; and Emma ordered French toast.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not what she needed?” Dave asked, continuing the conversation. “She sure seemed to… what’s the word... not care much about you as a person?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dave!” Hal interjected.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dave sighed. “Listen. I was never going to say it to him before, but that woman has always given me the creeps.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” Raiden said. “I appreciate you trying to be nice about her. I just feel like such a jerk even though it’s better for both of us in the long run. She had all these suspicions about me, and so did I. So maybe it was for the better. I just got really drunk and called her to handle this. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>where I went wrong.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, accidents happen,” Hal said softly. “What matters is that you’re going to be great on your own. It really sounds like she was holding you back. Besides, you’ve got us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, Hal.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re welcome. And I know Emma just wanted to keep you safe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s true,” Emma interjected.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Raiden sighed. “I know she did. And I respect that. But I guess I just had to do this. And the way Rose took it was her problem, not mine. It’s not like I can go back in time and have a perfect breakup. I’d still feel like shit after.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I hope you don’t feel like shit for long, because our food’s here,” Dave said, glancing at the waiter carrying a large tray.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>The idea of a therapist going to therapy had been laughable and ironic to Rose, who, for the longest time, thought her patients were just incapable of taking care of their mental state by themselves. No way would she ever be one of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wasn’t even sure why she felt this way. It’s not like she hated neurodivergent people. The human mind and psyche fascinated her, yet she believed that she was a neurotypical, capable person who didn’t need those sorts of things. Rose was more than willing to help her other patients, but she never wanted to </span>
  <em>
    <span>become </span>
  </em>
  <span>one. Not that going to therapy was inherently bad, but it didn’t feel right for Rose and her struggles, so minuscule in comparison to those of her patients.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But after the trauma of the Big Shell incident, Rose finally overcame her biases about therapy and went routinely with her boyfriend Jack, once a week, an hour a session, in the hopes of improving their relationship, since things had been so rocky between them. She even encouraged him to go to single sessions, which seemed to help him quite a bit. She never liked how her couple’s therapist handled certain coping mechanisms and discussions, choosing to roll her eyes at most of it. Yet, she pulled through for Jack, wanting to help him and hopefully improve his mental state.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now, Rose was in desperate need of some sort of comfort thanks to her broken heart. She wasn’t willing to drag Jack, her now ex-boyfriend, back into town to mend a broken relationship. No, she was training herself to move on and become a more independent woman. It was what she needed for herself. The idea of relying on a therapist for independence was still strange to her, but she knew it was probably for the better, right?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not being part of someone else’s life was already such a foreign feeling. Earlier, Rose picked up the phone to text him and check in with him as she usually did, but she had to force herself to put it down. She was already used to Jack’s room, barren and depressing, being empty and silent, but it was even stranger now that he wouldn’t be coming back to it. He had left so much behind. What was she going to do with the photos on his wall, the clothes still tucked into his drawers, the little notes and drawings he made at his desk? She wasn’t ready to dig through that quite yet, but surely in time she would find herself emptying out his bedroom. Maybe it would become a home office.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was noon. At 1:30, Rose was going to drive to the therapist’s office, sign herself up for single sessions, and cancel the couple’s therapy that she and Jack had been going to. After signing up, a new therapist was going to see her. The idea was making her extremely anxious, and the near-black coffee she drank each morning didn’t help to settle her nerves. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rose forced herself to stand up and take a walk around the small apartment, its emptiness feeling especially foreboding today. She took mental notes of the usual spots - the couch, the entry to their bedrooms, the back porch - adding an empty Jack-shaped gap to each spot. He wasn’t going to come back, was he? Why would he?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She finally made her way down the hallway again, where two bedrooms faced each other. The one on the left was Jack’s, and the one on the right was hers. Rose had understood things like PTSD and night terrors, but for the longest time, she refused to believe that Jack suffered from either one. He was capable of acting so … normal, almost suspiciously so.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rose cursed under her breath, remembering the time she broke into his bedroom out of sheer worry and concern. She wasn’t sure what she expected to see, but what she saw made her feel even worse for Jack: an empty room that looked more like a prison cell. It was like she finally understood who he was as a person. Jack was blank and empty and his room reflected that. Yet, he was the angriest he’d ever been once he found out she had invaded his privacy. Rose hadn’t anticipated him grabbing her by the wrists and forcing her out, his expression twisted and rough as he yelled and complained. She couldn’t remember - had he done anything more? All she remembered was rubbing her wrists after, his force feeling like a pair of handcuffs. Jack cried afterwards and kissed her wrists apologetically, feeling immense guilt for having been so aggressive, but it wasn’t like he ever barged into </span>
  <em>
    <span>her </span>
  </em>
  <span>room uninvited. She was sure he still harbored that anger, but they never brought it up again, and his room looked a bit more welcoming after that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rose entered the room again. Yep, still all white walls, nondescript and dull wooden furniture, and a few photos of her and Jack on the wall by the bed. There was a photo of them on top of the Empire State Building, from when he first began growing out his white-blonde hair. He had taken it on a disposable camera, before they bought their own digital camera. Another photo, a candid of Rose she had never seen before, was taped crookedly. The photo showed her walking around downtown, turning around and smiling widely. And the third photo was one of Rose on the beach, behind a giant pair of sunglasses and a floppy hat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She felt herself beginning to smile, remembering those times with Jack. Before he rejoined the military, the two had spent so much time together in her apartment, watching movies and doing the usual things couples did. They were truly, madly, honestly in love. So what changed?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rose stood up and walked to his dresser, feeling like her body was on autopilot. She opened a drawer where she saw some of Jack’s clothes, and the smell of his usual cologne and soap made her sigh deeply, further breathe in, and reach for one of his sweaters. It was a gray knit sweater that she had bought for him from some upstate department store when they first started going out. He didn’t think spending $50 on a sweater made any logical sense, but Rose insisted. And it looked great on him even if he rarely wore it, too afraid to accidentally spill something on it or get it caught on something. It sat in the drawer now - clearly he cared so much about bringing it to college.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rose pulled the sweater on over her head, suddenly realizing just how small she was compared to Jack. The sweater hung on her thin frame and went down to the zipper of her jeans. Yet, on Jack it was a perfect fit, hugging his waist perfectly. Then, she took a seat on his bed again and checked her watch. 1:10. Probably a good time to head to the therapist’s office. She’d get a head start on the paperwork and hopefully the first session would go swimmingly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But for now, all she wanted to do was breathe in the remnants of his cologne.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. A Simple Kind of Life</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Rose, can you follow me?”</p><p>
  <span>With a quick nod, Rose stood up from the loveseat she’d been sitting on in the waiting room. She had cancelled her previous appointments for the couple's therapy, but found herself having trouble with the handout her new therapist had given her. She had gotten as far to write her name at the top, barely managing to write her own last name as her eyes scanned the rest of the paper. She brought the clipboard and paperwork with her, though, ashamed of her lost focus.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi, Rose, I’m Dr. Carter,” the new therapist said, introducing herself and extending a well-manicured hand. Dr. Carter was a tall woman with tan, freckled skin and short black hair. A pair of red glasses sat precariously on the bridge of her nose. “It’s nice to meet you. Have you finished that handout?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rose gulped and handed her the clipboard, looking down at her shoes as she did so. “No, I, uh, haven’t. Sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s okay, no need to apologize,” Dr. Carter said, setting the clipboard on her desk and gesturing for Rose to take a seat on the beanbag chair in the office. “What brings you in? I think I’ve seen you around this office before.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My boyfriend and I broke up,” Rose said softly. “And I was hoping to maybe just find peace with all of it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dr. Carter nodded solemnly, making a note of something. “If you wouldn’t mind, Rose, could you tell me a little bit about him and how your relationship went?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rose glanced up at the ceiling, where Dr. Carter had hung crepe paper and colorful origami cranes. She wasn’t used to sitting in a beanbag chair in a setting like this. Rose's office had comfy couches, sure, but none were this low to the ground and… slouchy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I don’t really know where to begin,” Rose finally admitted after what felt like hours of silence. She fidgeted with the loose sleeves of Jack’s sweater. “He was a really, um, interesting person.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhm.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry to be vague. Just, uh, trying to sort my thoughts.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Take all the time you need,” Dr. Carter reassured, then handed her the clipboard. “Would it be easier to write down some of your thoughts?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rose nodded, a bit too eagerly, and began making notes on the back of the paper, reading them aloud as she went.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, alright, his name is Jack. He, uh, had a rough life. A lot of bad stuff happened in his childhood.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rose sighed, crossing out a note. “Never mind. I shouldn’t say.” She sighed again, putting the clipboard on her lap. “I feel like I can’t really get my thoughts out. The breakup just happened last night and we talked for the last time this morning.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s awfully sudden,” Dr. Carter remarked. “So I imagine you haven’t had much room to think. I’m so sorry, dear. Just go at a pace you’re comfortable with. We don’t have to get it all out in a day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. We were going to couple’s therapy because there was…” Rose paused, not wanting to disclose any private military info she was trusted to keep. “...a major event that made us realize we weren’t doing so well in our relationship. And I was recovering, and so was he, but I guess it was all for nothing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mm-hmm.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rose sighed, almost sounding annoyed. “Look, I’m sorry. I don’t even feel like I should be here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” Dr. Carter asked. “You don’t need to force yourself to talk about this right now. We can address the breakup at your discretion.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I mean </span>
  <em>
    <span>here</span>
  </em>
  <span>. At a therapist’s office. It makes me feel ashamed. Sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dr. Carter sighed. “Rose, there’s no shame in needing help.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rose pulled her knees close to her chest. “It won’t make me weak if I need this help? I’m sorry, that’s just an idea I’ve, uh, struggled with a lot. Especially now since I’ll have to go to therapy by myself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course not. Lots of strong people need a lift every so often. Their breaking point just might come later, you know?” Dr. Carter opened a glass jar and extended it to Rose. “Do you want some gum?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rose silently took a piece, examining it as if she’d never seen it before. “Yeah. I think I understand. I just don’t think I can do this therapy thing today. I need to just be alone with my thoughts for a bit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s fine,” Dr. Carter said. “But do you think you could get your paperwork done before you leave? It would just benefit us a lot so we can transfer your insurance info.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh. Of course,” Rose said flatly, filling out the paperwork absentmindedly and handing it back, still embarrassed of whatever invisible barrier prevented her from filling it out earlier. “Do you have an opening for next week?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We can meet… let’s see…” Dr. Carter checked her computer. “Next Friday at 1?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can make that. Thank you.”</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>The food at the diner was fantastic, and was more than enough for Raiden and Emma to bring leftovers back to their dorms. Neither one of them were sure how well soggy French toast and a well-ketchuped omelet would fare in a microwave, but that was a discovery for later in the week. For now, the group had decided to walk downtown for a bit, just checking out some of the shops and activities in the little college town.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Downtown was bustling, presumably from all of the parents visiting their freshmen kids and exploring the town. This adventure wasn’t much different, give or take actual blood relations. A few unique shops caught the groups’ eye - a record store, some antique stores, a candle store - but the most they did was browse. Nevertheless, Raiden was relieved to have some sort of distraction from the anxieties and generally bad feelings swirling around in his head, even if it meant he was stuck smelling weird scented candles with Emma.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dave and I are good for about another hour. Where do you two think we should go?” Hal asked, glancing down at his watch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think we’ve seen just about all of downtown,” Emma replied. “How about we show you guys our dorms?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The two men smiled in agreement and they circled back to the diner’s parking lot, making the short drive back to campus. Raiden’s dorm was closer, so they’d go there first, then visit Emma’s, which Raiden had yet to see.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Raiden’s dorm was simple and quiet. He kept it minimal by design, with the addition of the usual appliances a college kid would have - a TV and game console, a microwave, a mini fridge. The empty vodka bottle still sat on his windowsill. He winced, knowing that he still had a few photos of Rose on the wall by his bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t mind the mess,” he mumbled, putting one knee on his bed and leaning over to remove the photos and stack them neatly on his desk. He grabbed the bottle, too, unsure of where to put it, before finally setting it back down. “Anyway, here’s my dorm.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Very nice. Definitely minimalist,” Snake replied, taking a look around. “You’ve got all you need, really.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dave? Are you being sarcastic?” Hal asked softly, elbowing the man.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Snake only looked at him, then turned his attention back to Raiden. “I’m being pretty honest, actually. I think he’s definitely thought this whole college thing through. Packing light so he can focus on the tasks at hand. But the Xbox is a necessity, of course.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Raiden smiled a bit. “Whoa. Thanks, Snake.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Snake smiled back, that sort of cool relaxed smile he was known for. He wasn’t much for enthusiasm, but lately that smile seemed to come a lot easier.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A few decorations won’t hurt, though,” Hal suggested, using his hands to frame the windowsill. “Some curtains of some sort might be nice. Or an area rug... Hey, if we’re ever back in town again, you’re welcome to go dorm shopping with us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emma groaned sarcastically. “Come on, Hal. Let him have his minimalist décor.” She elbowed Raiden gently, provoking a wider smile from him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Raiden shrugged. “Nah, you guys seem to know more about decorating than I do. I’m in.”</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Rose made it back to her Manhattan apartment. The drive back was all a blur. She felt like Jack’s sweater was swallowing her whole. It was entirely too baggy for her, but she didn’t mind feeling like she was sinking into it. It still had the vague scent of his cologne, some pricey blue bottle she’d gotten for him at a department store for his birthday or Christmas or whenever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She made a beeline for his room as soon as she stepped in the door. She was used to the apartment being quiet - he was damn near silent most days - but this silence was almost terrifying. It was his absence. She knew he was gone and was grateful that he was somewhere safe, but she had gotten so used to his presence. The way he walked and greeted her each morning. The way he took care of his appearance, blonde hair always looking clean and soft. The way he just seemed to be brighter since leaving the military - he had a glow that she’d never seen in him before. It was like he’d broken out of whatever weird shell he was in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe that glow was too blinding now. Was he thriving in college? She wasn’t sure, based on the fact that he could only admit the truth when he was drunk. That was a poor indicator of how he'd been doing. Jack wasn’t much of a drinker anyway, but just by looking at him, she figured it took him a while to get drunk anyway. Meanwhile, two glasses of wine had her feeling bubbly and warm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She knew things were going to get better with them, but when? It had only been a short amount of time, but she really felt like the therapy was beneficial to both of them. Yet when she went on her own, she felt like she stuck out like a sore thumb. It was like the setup to a terrible joke: </span>
  <em>
    <span>a therapist walks into a therapist’s office… </span>
  </em>
  <span>Then what was the punchline?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All that Rose wanted was simplicity after leaving the military. She wanted to help people and start a family. She felt like it was her goal to help Jack, as if she were some sort of savior for his broken soul. But when he was so emotionally detached and unavailable, she worried about how obnoxious she was being, knocking on metaphorical doors he’d locked. It made her feel sick to her stomach, but she couldn’t stop. Her insecurities got the better of her, and she made judgment calls and assumptions based on things that he’d never do, in a million years. But now that he was on his own, with Emma, no less, she couldn’t help but feel like she’d at least been a </span>
  <em>
    <span>little </span>
  </em>
  <span>bit right. Emma was no prize, but Rose could sort of see the appeal of a woman like her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a relationship built on lies, one thing was true. Jack and Rose loved each other. It was almost like a movie romance, so beautiful and untouchable. At least, that’s probably how it looked. On the inside, it appears there was something going on that Jack had failed to admit until it was too late. Rose knew it was too late just because she’d spoiled something huge: he was planning to propose to her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack was no good at hiding things. He really had nothing to hide, Rose soon realized. In the literal sense, though, she always knew what her birthday and Christmas presents were because he left them in plain sight. Still, she acted surprised every year, which seemed to appease him. She had found the ring one day while in his room, wandering under the guise of acting like she was looking for something. She understood a lot of his struggles with mental health, so she would occasionally take care of his trash or laundry while she was there, in an attempt to minimize his suspicions.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rose could’ve kicked herself for how she reacted upon seeing the ring. It was underneath some sweatshirt he always wore, and as she picked it up from his desk, she noticed a black box of an obvious shape underneath. He was still asleep, so she tried to hide her excitement, slinging the sweatshirt over her shoulder and opening the box briefly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The ring was underwhelming. Horribly underwhelming. It was a simple silver band with a few tiny gems, and in the center was a </span>
  <em>
    <span>pearl. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Not a diamond, not a gem, but a </span>
  <em>
    <span>pearl. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Rose felt her stomach drop as she snapped the box closed and put the sweatshirt back on top. She wasn’t in the mood for laundry anymore, but she at least took out his trash.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t even bother to check the price, but she knew it was cheap. She knew he was broke, but why wasn’t he saving up for something like that? Did he just splurge on his own ring and spent the leftover cash on some crappy supermarket ring? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rose did a great job hiding her reaction that day, slipping into her bedroom to cry as he still slept, blissfully unaware of what he’d done to upset her. She regretted that now, but she also regretted always acting so entitled about seeing what was in his room. There was never anything incriminating. And if there was, how was she going to approach it without causing a fight? It made him mad enough, from the time he caught her in the act and instinctively got aggressive. Jack was not the fighting type, but this was the angriest she’d ever seen him. She got scared. She’d never been scared of him before, but he instinctively gripped her by the wrists and started yelling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack apologized for how upset he’d gotten, feeling immense guilt and promising not to get that upset again, but still reinforced that he was entitled to privacy in his own home. What really hurt was that this never stopped her. She, instead, wondered if he was just being excessively defensive in order to hide something. It was a vicious cycle, but now that she had unlimited access to the leftover scraps of his bedroom, she just didn’t feel the desire to go in there. It made her too sad.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All that Rose wanted was to start a family. It would be imperfect, but it would be a process. Jack would be a great dad, she decided. There was just something about his protective nature that just made it make sense. He even was up late most nights, so he could take the “night shift” for her if their baby needed it. Not to mention, he was impossibly beautiful. Their genes combined would make for one gorgeous baby.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But none of that was going to happen. Rose didn’t feel sad or angered by the breakup anymore, she just felt numb now. She felt like there was a huge Jack-shaped hole in her heart that would probably never be filled again. There was nobody else like him, and despite the frustrations, she really loved him. He really loved her, too, but his way of showing it was more emotionally absent. Rose just wished she’d understood him sooner.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Letting out a sigh, she lowered herself into his bed, his absence leaving the room emptier than ever before.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>for the love of god please help me</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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